Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God
| Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God |
Nourishing yourself – emotionally as well |
2016-05-22“Strong emotions - such as anger, depression or fear - often get people into trouble.” Because of this idea, many churches and ministries here in the West teach it: emotions are not to be trusted. In Mental Health care, people are often encouraged to mentalize or get help to think better thoughts and be more rational.1 Rationality triumphs over emotionality, is the idea. And by that, they mean two things: (1) It’s better and more civilized to be rational than to be emotional, and (2) the only way to deal with strong emotions in a civil way, is to control them by our rational mind. Strong emotions are no more than a nasty, and hard-to-control by-product of our humanity, or so it seems.
Our culture is not renowned for its expression of
emotionality and feelings. We distrust them. (Yet, in the business world I
discovered that most big decisions are not made on the basis of rational
arguments, but largely on gut feeling, but that as an aside.)
Certainly for us as reformed or evangelical Christians, emotions are
considered suspect. As I just said: strong emotions lead people to all kind
of silly or even destructive acts. No, we better minimalize them and trust
more on our rational mind. In other articles I have related this to our
Greek and ‘enlightenment’ background, where the mind was lifted
far above the body and emotions.2
I say that, because the idea that God or the Bible would
belittle the significance of emotions is not founded on any solid ground.
On the contrary, the Bible says that God created man in His image, and He
Himself expresses strong emotions and affects: passionate love
(see e.g. Jer.31:3; Hos.11:1; Mal.1:2),
joy (1 Chron.16:27; Neh.8:10; Ps.16:11; Prov.8:31;
Zeph.3:17), sadness (Is.63:10; Mat.26:37-38), anxiety (Mat.26:37), anger (Ex.4:14; Num.11:1; Zeph.2:2; 3:8; Marc 3:5; Rev.14:10), indignation (Deut.29:28; Zach.1:12; Zeph.3:8;
Mal.1:4), hatred (Is.1:11-13; 61:8;
Amos 5:21), and what not...
Could our feeling awkward in dealing with emotions have anything to do with a lack of knowing how to nurture them properly? Could it be, that emotions of people run amok because their emotional life got severely neglected, just as our hunger or thirst runs high when we do not get anything to eat or drink for too long?
As my friends know and some of my frequent readers may know as well, I am a man of strong feelings myself. By nature, I am an emotional being; I often tend to feel either ‘high at a joyful mountaintop’ or ‘deep in a sorrowful and lonely pit’. Sometimes I regretted this, and also my associated high sensitivity. Now I see it as a blessing. But not before God revealed to me how we can or even should deal with our emotional life. Here, I want to share some of that with you.
In general, we are fully familiar with the fact that our
body needs nourishment. When we feel hungry, we know it is time to eat
something. When our mouth feels dry, we know it is time to have a drink.
When our legs get tired after a long walk, we take a break and give them
some rest. When our eyes get tired or tend to close, we interpret that as a
signal that it may be time to get some sleep.
We may even be acquainted with the fact that, similarly, our mind needs
nourishment, exercise and rest to function well.
And then our emotions... In my own life and in my pastoral practice of the past 30+ years I observe most of us simply have no idea how to nourish, feed, exercise or rest our emotional side. I realize this may indeed sound completely new to you as well. But as God has created us in His Own image with these emotions, He must be knowing how to deal well with this side of us, wouldn’t He? So, let’s investigate a little...
First, it is good to see that most emotions and feelings have a signal function. Compare the examples of hunger or thirst I just gave: they are bodily feelings that signal a bodily need. Similarly, most all other feelings have such a signal function. Passionate love signals we want to be and do good to someone special, and mostly we will find some way to act upon that feeling. Sadness or sorrow can be a signal not to overstep a loss, but to take a break and mourn it. It can also be a signal to do something about a situation, like anger mostly is a signal to amend a situation or relationship that is going wrong. Anxiety signals a threat, and tells us to fight or to flee it, or protect ourselves in some other way. These signals are valuable and we do better to interpret them and follow their advice. When a little red lamp, in the form of an oil can, starts blinking at the dashboard of my car, I know it is time to check the oil level, and fill it up as necessary. If the little red lamp has the shape of a set of brakes, I know the hand-brake is still on, and I cannot start driving before I’ve released it. These red lamps are useful. So are the signalling emotions. They tell us what needs to be done before we continue our journey. We have to take them serious, and we can thank God for them, for they are our friends, not our enemies. Realizing this, is an important first step.
Secondly, our emotional side needs nourishment, exercise
and rest, just as our body does. In recent decades, a lot has been made more
clear here by advances in neurological research. Our entire nervous systems
function much better when we are filled with memories of joy and connection.
Not for nothing did God command the Israelites to come together to Jerusalem,
several times a year, to joyfully commemorate together all that He had done
for them, delivering them from slavery in Egypt, and providing for rich
harvests ever since. Recent research has only confirmed all the great
aspects of that: the physical exercise of the walk to Jerusalem and all the
dancing performed there, the rich fellowship together, the commemoration and
celebration going on, the sharing of sacrificed food, the joyful singing and
music making, combined with more restful periods at home – it all was
nourishing for their emotional being. God knows well what we, as frail human
creatures, need! Personally, I experience that He loves to show me how to
treat myself and others better, emotionally. I learn a lot from His ways
with Israel, and from findings from neurology, as illustrated above. Do I
take enough time to feed myself with His love? Do I see myself as valuable
as He sees me? Maintaining my personal dignity is an important aspect of
care for my emotional health! The same for caring about the people around
me: promoting their personal dignity is important. And how about seeing
some adversity as an opportunity for emotional power-training?
The shabbat rule – to take a full day off work, every seven days,
and devote it fully to joyful fellowship with God and others – is a
great instrument in nourishing and resting our emotional side as well.
Thirdly, just as we get hurt and physically traumatized
when e.g. our bodily boundaries are crossed (say, by a car that did not stop
before the pedestrian crossing), we may become emotionally traumatized when
our emotional boundaries or the boundaries of our personality were crossed,
as in any form of abuse. The physical traumatization often shows in wounds
and/or broken bones and an increased sensitivity to touch in the affected
area. We are used to the fact that it needs proper treatment. A broken bone
may need a splint to allow the two pieces enough rest to grow together
again. A wound may need cleaning and some oil or whatever to stimulate
healing. Exactly the same is true in the emotional realm: traumatization
there may result in an increased sensitivity to ‘touch’ in some
emotional area. And we do better to have such a trauma treated well and
given enough support, rest and nourishment to heal and recover before
exposing ourselves to new strains or confrontations in that area. Besides,
we have to get used to our emotional frailty, just as we are used to our
physical frailty, and take appropriate measures.
In the physical realm, we are accustomed to all kinds of safety measures.
Before we go to eat, we wash our hands not to contaminate our food with
all kind of bacteria. In cars we have all kind of measures against impact
traumas, such as safety belts, strong passenger compartment cage
constructions, etc. How long until we get similarly accustomed to all kind
of safety measures to prevent or limit emotional trauma in our families,
communities, churches and countries, and/or to increase emotional
wellbeing?
A similar reasoning counts when we talk about malnourishment. Not
nourishing our bodies well may well lead to illness. It is as if our body
protests: I need a better treatment! We should not be surprised either
when our emotions protest against poor treatment. In that way, many a
depression can be traced back to emotional malnourishment. Do what is
nourishing to your emotional life, and you will discover a better attitude
of your emotions.
What continues to amaze me is how Jesus is willing to just
be with us in any emotion, and share it, take it partly on Himself.
Like He did with Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus. When Lazarus had
died and He had come three days too late to heal him, she was almost
onconsolable. He could have said: “But I still can and will do
something about it! I will raise him from the dead!” But no, at
first He just wept with her. He stooped down to her level and shared in her
sorrow and in her grief. Elsewhere (
)
I have written more about this fascinating episode and what it must have
meant for Mary. And it happens not just with sorrow or grief. Jesus wants
to be with us in all we experience.
Jesus also wants to give us light on the background of emotions that we
may not have understood so far. On the cross it says that He carried all,
He came down from heaven to be fully human with us, such that He can
understand us from within, not just as our Creator. And in our pain or
whatever He can also share His healing feelings of compassion, tender love,
or whatever we need, with us. That’s a most wonderful and awesome
exchange! With Him, there is safety to just be, with whatever emotion or
feeling we may have. Often I hear that people only became aware of certain
difficult emotions when they were practicing the presence of Jesus/God.
Only there they found the peace and acceptance needed to face the emotion
that was perhaps always denied them.
Sometimes we tend to think a bit too straight-lined about
emotions. For example, that emotions are mutually exclusive, that we cannot
experience two different emotions at the same time. But this is not true;
we can experience sadness over a loss and at the same time be glad. I
experienced this once after I was involved in a car accident. I was sad
for the accident to happen and for the state my car was in, but I was very
glad that I had hardly a scratch – actually just a few bruises where
my safety-belt had restrained me from hitting the windshield.
The apostle Paul admonished the Christians in Philippi to rejoice in the
Lord always, amid any circumstances (Phil.3:1-2,18; 4:4). That does not
mean to stuff or swallow any other emotion; it means amid other emotions
we rejoice in God and His love and goodness to us.
And of course there is nothing wrong with limiting the
strength or impact of certain emotions by using our rational brains –
or vice versa!
Sometimes we have to do something with emotions before
they grow too big to handle with care. Anger is a good example. The Bible
tells us to not heap up anger and not to let it burn till we sin, but to
express what is bothering us at an early stage – even before sundown!
(Lev.19:17; Prov.15:18; 16:32; 17:10; 19:11; 25:9-10; 29:11; Mat.18:15;
Luk.17:3; Jac.1:19; 2 Tim.2:24-26; Eph.4:26) And often, it is even better
to give the emotion to God and let Him take the action (e.g. Rom.12:19).
That leads us to something else I need to talk about here.
Some people have build an entire theology of Christian life renewal through a renewal of the mind, upon a false exegesis of Romans 12:2, as I show elsewhere. What Romans 11:36-12:3 says, is that seeing and experiencing God’s great goodness first-hand calls for a response to give my entire body as a sacrifice in His service, and that this idea of the importance of serving God in and with our body is mind-blowing for Greek-thinking people who thought that only the rational mind was important. It is not just our mind that needs renewal from God, our body and our emotions need it just as well.
We can help the renewal of the mind by reading the
Scriptures and practicing God’s presence. We know that. But how do
emotions get changed? How do we help our emotions and our bodies to receive
God’s renewal? The answer is surprisingly simple: They get changed
predominantly by experience, so how we can help them is also by practicing
God’s presence, and by exercising the advises He gave, such as what I
shared about observing the shabbat as a regular day of cessation from work
and of experiencing joyful community.
Neurological research has demonstrated that all the advice the Bible gives
for healthy living, is promotional for our mental and emotional well-being
indeed. Taking time every day for fellowship with God – a time where
we talk with Him about what is on His mind for us, and what is on our mind,
while also sharing what we feel and listening to what He feels –
is already a very great enhancement in itself. And it will certainly not
leave us without fruit in the renewal of our emotions.
Emotions are important. Without emotions, life would be dull and miserable!
We certainly need the signal functions of emotions and feelings. Illnesses
that leave people without feelings in a limb, often result in that limb
being destroyed by traumata and infections, without the person realizing
what is happening at first. But who gets warm from someone expressing a
purely rational note like: “I have rationally weighed the options and
chose to bring you these flowers”? Isn’t “I am very
fond of you and adore you and therefore bring you these flowers”,
expressed with joyful excitement and eyes that radiate enthousiasm, more
attractive? And then, even the flowers in the first note weren’t
fully rational, were they? Is it rational to cut flowers and put them in
a vase inside a house where they will only die sooner? Isn’t all we
live and think determined or at least strongly influenced by emotion? 3
What I find remarkable, is that in Hebrew many emotions are described by
the body part where that emotion is felt the strongest. For example, the
Hebrew word for the emotion of empathy and mercy is basically the same word
as the word for the female womb. Compare how much an emotionally healthy
new mother can endure – often with joy despite pain and sickness
– from her unborn child there!
God is not finished with us before we fully re-discover that life revolves
around being joyfully connected with others and in awe about God YaHUaH (for details about this, see my article: ‘Life,
security and belonging in joyful adoration, from the hand of God’
, Hallelu-YaH, Jan. 2011). Then we will be in shalom, both
mentally and emotionally! Then we will be full in our humanity, as God
intended us to be. In sync with Jesus, our character will start to reflect
more and more of His graceful Personality!
| 1 | Mentalizing and Rational Emotive Therapy are about the most frequent MH themes, currently. Both revolve around the idea that mental health can be improved by being more rational. Other therapeutic approaches build similarly on this idea of the superiority of reason over feeling. E.g. in Transactional Analysis, the most desired adult stance is mainly characterized by rationality, while many emotions are attributed primarily to the child stance. |
| 2 | See e.g. the articles: ‘Life Renewal - by a renewal of our mind, or...?’ and ‘Modernism and the Friends of Job’ here on this site. |
| 3 | Antonio R. Damasio has written a few great books about this: Antonio R. Damasio, Descartes' error – emotion, reason and the human brain, Putnam / AVON Books, New York, 1994. Antonio R. Damasio, The feeling of what happens – Body, emotion and the making of consciousness, Vintage, Random House, London / Hartcourt Brace & Company, New York, 1999. In these, he shows how in all we do, our emotions determine the majority of our acts and even our thoughts, and hardly the other way around. |
Antonio R. Damasio, Descartes' error – emotion, reason and the human brain, Putnam / AVON Books, New York, 1994.
Antonio R. Damasio, The feeling of what happens – Body, emotion and the making of consciousness, Vintage, Random House, London / Hartcourt Brace & Company, New York, 1999.
 |
Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child – the cry of the heart for intimate belonging, NavPress, Colorado (USA), 1994.
Sandra D. Wilson, Into Abba’s Arms – Finding the acceptance you’ve always wanted, Tyndale House, Wheaton (IL, USA), 1998; ISBN: 0 8423 2473 9.
John Piper, Seeing and Savouring Jesus Christ, Crossway / Good News Publ., Wheaton, 2001.
J. Oswald Sanders, Enjoying intimacy with God, Moody Press, Chicago (USA), 1980.
J. Oswald Sanders, Facing loneliness – the starting point of a new journey, Highland Books, Crowborough East-Sussex England, 1988 / Discovery House, Grand Rapids (MI, USA), 1990.
Andrew Comiskey, Strength in Weakness – Healing Sexual and Relational Brokenness, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove (IL, USA), 2003; ISBN: 0 8308 2368 9.
Warren Wiersbe, Be compassionate – A call to be more like the Saviour – an expository study of Luke 1-13, SP / Victor, Wheaton (IL, USA), 1988; ISBN: 0 89693 591 4.
Mary Pytches, Yesterday’s Child – Understanding & healing present problems by examining the past, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 1990; ISBN-10: 0 340 52273 9 / 0 340 64286 6; ISBN-13: 978 0 340 64286 3.
John Ernest Sanders, The God Who risks – A theology of providence, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove (IL, USA), 1998; ISBN: 0 8308 1501 5.
David A. Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap – Letting Go of the Need to Achieve (earlier editions titled: Healing Grace), Victor Books, SP Publications (USA), 1988; ISBN: 978 0 8969 3986 8.
A.W. Tozer, The knowledge of the Holy – The attributes
of God: their meaning in the Christian life (), Harper SanFrancisco, USA,
1961/1978 / James Clarke & Co / STL, Bromley, GB, 1976/77; ISBN:
0 06068412 7; re-issued by HarperOne, 1992; ISBN: 978 0 060698652.
A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God (1949), Christian Publications, 1982; ISBN: 978 1 60066015 3.
A.W. Tozer, Keys to the deeper life, Clarion Classics, Zondervan, Grand Rapids (MI, USA), 1988; ISBN: 0 310 33361 X (revised & expanded edition of: Leaning into the wind, Creation House, 1957 / 1984).
Lewis B. Smedes, Shame and Grace – healing the shame we don’t deserve, HarperSanFrancisco, Zondervan / HarperCollins (USA), 1993; ISBN: 978 0 06067522 6.
Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace awakening, Word (USA), 1990.
Paul E. Billheimer, Destined for the Throne – A new look at the Bride of Christ, Christian Literature Crusade, Fort Washington PA, USA, 1975; ISBN: 0 87508 014 6 / Baker / Bethany House, 2005; ISBN: 978 0 76420 035 9.
Judson Cornwall & Michael S.B. Reid, Whose love is it anyway?, Sharon, Pilgrims Hatch Brentwood Essex GB, 1991.
Henri J.M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus – reflections on Christian leadership, Crossroad, New York USA, 198x.
Sandra D. Wilson, Released from shame – Recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families (ACDF's), People Helper Books series (Gary R. Collins, ed.), InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove (IL, USA), 1990.
Sandra D. Wilson, Shame-free parenting – Are you trying to love your children a lot when you don’t like yourself even a little?, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove (IL, USA), 1992.
Floyd McClung jr, The Father Heart of God, 1984.
Ed Smith, Introduction to
Transformational Prayer Ministry (formerly: Theophostic Prayer Ministry).
Here, Ed Smith illustrates the difference between what we believe with our
mind and what we believe experientially. We can believe the Bible with our
mind, but if our emotional experiences say it isn’t true, it remains
unfruitful. We need Jesus to enter the negative experiences and bring change
there, including a change in our emotions, in order to really change from the
inside out.
For more information, or your reaction to the above, you can also contact me via e-mail: andre.roosma@12accede.nl.
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