Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers Joined to a Healing God

2010-03-27

1 Now the serpent was more subtle than any other wild creature that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God say, 'You shall not eat of any tree of the garden'?" 2 And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden; 3 but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'" 4 But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she also gave some to her husband, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons. 8 And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?" 10 And he said, "I heard the sound of Thee in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself." 11 He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" 12 The man said, "The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate." 13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent beguiled me, and I ate."

Genesis 3:1-13 [emphasis added]

The above story from Genesis 3 illustrates vividly the estranging and separation that often accompany our senses of shame. It can be seen as an account of 'the primordial origin of shame'. I will come back to this later on.

Over the years, talking to many people, I have discovered that shame is a very hot topic in todays society in the sense that many have at some point experienced an ugly kind of shame. Let me illustrate this with a quantification:

In the spring of 2001 (when the Internet was still a lot smaller than today), I did a search on the World Wide Web, using the searchengine Hotbot (www.hotbot.lycos.com; at that time one of the best and most selective searchengines that didn't give you more than just one document from a site with multiple documents on a subject that are interlinked). I regularly searched for keywords, and usually found some ten to thousand hits. So, I was surprised to find that, despite its selectivity, this searchengine still found 78 600 documents on the web that contained the words 'shame' and 'guilt'. So, I narrowed my search down. Still 4 500 web-documents contained all the words: 'shame', 'guilt', 'grace', 'forgiveness' and 'healing' (while many articles that I knew treating 'shame' from a psychological point of view did not deal with 'forgiveness' and 'grace', and many that dealt with 'forgiveness' and/or 'grace' did not have the word 'healing' as they were talking about 'sin'; not 'illness').

Many people would give a lot to be freed from that ugly, sticky stuff that is called shame, that seems so elusive, so hard to discover what it's about.
But yet, at the same time, it is a topic that is not talked about, because it is covered.... right!...   with shame.

I think it is a good idea to put an end to that silence. That's why I just am going to talk about it freely and openly here. If you are not used to that, proceed slowly. I hope you'll discover also, that to bring it into the open (and thereby also to a place where we can allow God to heal) already can have lightening effect on it all.

Shame - what exactly are we talking about?

Now, before I proceed, let's get it clear: what are we talking about? I looked up the meanings of the word 'shame' in my Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary. It says:

1a: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; b: the susceptibility to such emotion; 2: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute: ignominy; 3a: something that brings strong regret, censure, or reproach; b: a cause of feeling shame.

Some personal considerations on the meaning of shame

After reviewing a lot of Bible stories and verses dealing with shame or similar experiences, as well as a lot of books and web-material, I tend to distinguish four kinds of shame. For each one, I give the characteristic element. In practical situations, very often these different types of shame get intermixed and confused.

For simplicity, I will will refer to these categories of shame as

	embarrassment that has to do with (trespassing laws of) chastity,
	embarrassment that has to do with (trespassing laws of) humility,
	the feeling of guilt - embarrassment that has to do with trespassing any kind of moral or spiritual laws, and
	toxic shame (terminology from John Bradshaw), respectively.

Note that in each of these cases the emotion can be stronger or weaker than (one sees as) justified, given the actual situation. This can lead to 'shame over one's shame' and thereby to what has been labeled 'layers of shame'.

Healthy shame

The first three forms of shame can, in contrast to the fourth, be called 'healthy shame'.

"... Shame in the healthy psyche is related to humility and therefore spirituality. Shame keeps us from believing we are bigger than we really are. Shame is the feeling we have when we act in a way that is out of harmony with humanity. Then, we become 'knocked back down to size.' A person who denies his/her shame would become grandiose in his/her own eyes."

Shame leads to separation and isolation

The uglyness of shame is that it often leads us to isolation. Andrew Comiskey writes about it: "... That's what shame does. It silences us. It causes us to lie and to rely on ourselves." (Andrew Comiskey, Strength in Weakness, Inter Varsity Press, Downers Grove IL, USA, 2003, p.15). And this isolation worsens the shame. The powers of darkness are fond of this. That is why shame should be a priority issue in the church - to let the church be a safe place where people can let go and be healed of their unnecessary shame. Or, as one website (on shamed people who for a time have fled into alcohol to ease their pain) puts it:

"God works through people. There is no more isolated and lonely person than the addict. John Bradshaw says, "The deepest wound of toxic shame is the inability to develop meaningful, intimate, human relations." The message of Christian Recovery is that God's grace is experienced as a process which involves intensely honest and nurturing relationships with other people. They serve as agents of His grace to unravel our woundedness and reshape our thinking. (Hebrews 10:19-25) "

Jim Wilder describes shame briefly as the fear that someone will not want to be with us (see the document 'Fear Love Bonds and cults.pdf' on www.lifemodel.org). And exactly that is the uglyness of shame: out of fear of isolation it makes us withdraw in isolation.

A little more about toxic shame

Writing about toxic shame, John Bradshaw builds on statements by Scott Peck, saying: "The major problem in all of our lives is to decide and clarify our reponsibilities. To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and discipline, we must be willing to commit ourselves to reality. This commitment, according to Peck, 'requires the willingness and the capacity to suffer continual self-examination.' Such an ability requires a good relationship with oneself. This is precisely what no shame-based person has. In fact a toxically shamed person has an adversarial relationship with him/herself. Toxic shame - the shame that binds us - is the basis for both neurotic and character disordered syndromes of behaviour."

A particularly hard problem is the observation that the concepts of shame in the third and forth categories are so close (having the same related terms and antonyms), though their nature, background and function are so different.
The fourth category of toxic shame is the one we struggle with the most, and it is addressed in several books. But it really is an odd item in the list above, causing a lot of confusion. All the others have to do with feelings associated to crossing a boundary. They are 'functional' in helping us remember where our boundaries should be.
"How did this one get mixed up with the rest?" I have often asked myself. "What boundary was crossed here?"
Even after I had read several books about it, finding healing of my own shame in the process, these questions kept nagging me. Then, I read Chapter 13, "Do You Know Where You Belong?": Three Kinds of Shame, in Manis Friedman's book: Doesn't anyone blush anymore?. Below, I will give you my own interpretation, to which I came after reading Friedman's story together with some others.
Friedman takes the story of Genesis 3 (as presented at the top of this article) as a starting point. He says that Adam and Eve felt humility - a feeling of being small in comparison to God the creator. What I saw was that at first this smallness didn't bother them (see Gen.2) - untill they started to listen to the serpent sowing distrust against God. From that moment on, this feeling became nagging and uncomfortable. When you perceive God as caring and loving, there is no problem in being under His authority. Humility comes naturally. The problem arises when we start to see God as evil (which is a lie).
Then, Friedman says, there was embarrassment - like the embarrassment when you are driving on a highway and stray a litle out of your lane (you cross a border) and you feel the bumps of the stripes on the road. You feel those litle bumps, and you go: oops, I didn't watch out! The little bumps make you go back on your lane again.
Before they distrusted God and ate of the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve just were in harmony with God, themselves, each other and the surroundings. They were, what I call (in other articles) connected. When they started to distrust God for no real valid reason (He hadn't betrayed their trust), they separated themselves. Now, there was a separation between them and God, between them among each other, and between them and nature. A most intimate relationship was violated. The privacy of their own naked body was no longer safe in a connected surrounding, but felt alien in an alien, disconnected environment (God, the other and nature). Therefore they had to cover themselves to protect their privacy.
When God came to man and asked: "Where are you?", what He meant was, says Fiedman: "Where are your borders? Where do you belong?" Friedman associates those first 'clothes' with a strengthening of personal borders, to increase modesty.
Then, Friedman comes to his point on what I labeled as 'toxic shame'. He says: this has to do with guilt feelings. He first cuts 'guilt feelings' loose from 'actual, legal guilt'. And he associates 'guilt feelings' with 'being damaged in the eyes of others'. He places it in the context of (intimate) relationships. It is not about that a law was violated, but that a relationship was damaged. When we do not see this, we try to forgive ourself, but this doesn't work, so Friedman asserts, and "you'll do a good job of punishing yourself" instead. "The result is, that you're just out to get yourself; what you're feeling is self-destructive,...". He goes on to stress that it is important to acknowledge the reality of the damaged relationship. In counseling, this means: giving the person who experiences this shame a right to his or her shame and feelings of damage and dependence. If someone crosses his or her borders as in molesting another, the relationship is damaged. Especially if this relationship was essential, like in cases of incest, the losses are big. That's why incest is creating such very painful and heavy emotions of toxic shame - especially in the one who was the victim and who was most dependent in that relationship.
What is the way out of this? Can we get rid of this 'toxic shame'? Yes, by connecting ourselves with God again, Who will not betray us, and with other 'safe' people, the shame will slowly start to dissolve. This is what Lewis Smedes' excellent book Shame and Grace is all about. I'll come back to that later. Now, to continue with Friedman again: "If you ask your family or your husband [or wife; AHR] if they still love you, and they tell you they do, believe them. If you ask God to forgive you and to accept you as you are, He will. And in doing so, you become innocent, whole, and unviolated once again." 'To forgive' or 'to ask forgiveness' is used by Friedman here not in a moralistic or legal meaning, but in the sense of "... to repair a relationship that was in some way violated or damaged." Furthermore, Friedman says it is important to see that we never lost our innocence entirely. A 'kernel' of innocence will always remain (protected by God). And by re-connecting like described above "... innocence ... is regained in a very short time." By urging us to this process of getting re-connected, "shame..." (yes, all categories of it) even can become "the road that leads us to innocence."
Friedman ends the chapter with: "Without innocence we don't function properly. Our feelings of guilt and shame tear us apart. We're out of balance. A loss of innocence can ruin us because it's not how we were meant to be.
It's innocence we're looking for, innocence we need, and innocence we can have in our lives, when we allow healthy shame - humility, embarrassment, and guilt - to help us remember where our borders should be."

That last statement is why John Bradshaw, in his book on shame, can say: "Our healthy shame is essential as the ground of our spirituality. By signaling us of our essential limitations, our healthy shame lets us know that we are not God. Our healthy shame points us in the direction of some larger meaning. It lets us know that there is something or someone greater than ourselves. Our healthy shame is the psychological ground of our humility."

What can we do for people who struggle with guilt or shame? (some practical ideas...)

When toxic shame has to do with relationship damage - brokenness in vital connectedness -, as we have seen before, the obvious remedy for shame is restoration of relationship or connection. Other articles on this site will deal with this in more depth.
Sometimes, the body plays an important role in the feelings of shame. It is felt as if the shame sticks to the skin. This is why body oriented healing practices sometimes are quite effective (as in Téo van der Weele's "Anti Schaamte Programma" (Anti Shame Programme; in Dutch)).
In his book From shame to Peace, Téo van der Weele pays a lot of attention to the special way we often have to listen to shame-ful counselees - with consideration for the shame-based culture from which they may come.
Despite the complexity, there are a number of hints I can give on helping people who struggle with feelings of toxic shame (apply sensibly and with lots of love and patience):

	Be very sensitive to their boundaries (as well as your own). Remember that a lot of shame has been caused by unlawful crossing of personal as well as moral boundaries by significant people in their lives. You may be a vital role model of healthy relationships and boundaries to them.
	Recognize that shame doesn't react to cognitive-behaviouristic arguments, most of the time. Your behaviour speaks louder than your words. Safety and a certain dose of lightness are key.
	Allow them to talk freely and safely about their shame and its causes and any related experiences or emotions or whatever - openness helps (remember: shame silences us!).
	Invite Jesus into their struggle (if they agree!); Jesus' presence means they no longer struggle alone; by this you also break the cycles of layering shame on shame and shameful hiding because of shame.
	Bless them in their search for acceptance and talk gently about the character of God's saving grace and gentle love, extending to each one of us, irrespective of our relationship damage; in addition, you can tell a person who struggles to accept her/himself in Jesus' name how much He loves her/him (be specific!). (See also the article about The Aaronic Priestly Blessing: God's Shining Face on this site.)
	Bless them with the peace of Jesus over themselves (specially their skin), and - if it seems necessary - with Jesus' anger over sin (their own sin or others' sins against them). Jesus' acceptance of a person does not mean He doesn't hate sin, but sin has been atoned for at Calvary.
	Bless them with truth - speak truth into the lies they have been told (like many incest or rape survivors have been told: "it's your own fault, you too beautiful" or whatever; saying that Jesus and you don't agree, and then saying what He and you think about it, can have an enormeous impact) cf. John 8:32.
	If there clearly is guilt that the person has not yet confessed, ask him/her to repent and confess it now (James 5:16 - there is power in confessing in the presence of a trusted person) and surrender to God to change his/her life. After that, you can proclaim Christ's forgiveness.
	Give them some encouraging scriptures - e.g. that show how Jesus dealt with this kind of situations (tender and firm).
	Encourage new connections - both new ways of connecting with God, and new connections with other (safe) people. Offer help in finding out which people are safe to connect with and who are not.

Much more can be said about shame and helping people deal with it. Maybe I write another article some day. God bless you in dealing with it!

Appendix: background material

Some Biblical background: Shame-related Bible stories

Shame apparently is a 'hot issue' in the Bible! I looked for *shame* (any word containing the word shame) in my Online Bible™ and found it appears no less than 232 times in the KJV ( = AV ). So, the Bible apparently is much in touch with our reality (compare what I said in the introduction about the actuality of 'shame').
However, for ages, christians seem to have paid little or no attention to this theme. Shame was simply seen as a right reaction to things that were better not mentioned at all. As an illustration of this statement: In the Thompson Chain-Reference Bible (NIV edition, 1984) the extensive index has no item 'shame' (the odd thing being that it does have an item 'shamelessness', with only negative connotation; to me, this illustrates how shame was always seen as only good and 'toxic shame' was swept under the carpet for too long)!

Below, I will give some significant Bible passages dealing with various aspects of shame.

As stated above, the origin of shame can be traced back to the fall – Genesis 3: when Adam and Eve stepped outside their God-given human boundaries and spoiled intimacy with God and with each other (cf. Manis Friedman's interpretation of this event).

A significant Bible story where shame played a big role, is that of
The woman with the flow of blood

And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus, and came up behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, "If I touch even His garments, I shall be made well." And immediately the hemorrhage ceased; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in Himself that power had gone forth from Him, immediately turned about in the crowd, and said, "Who touched my garments?" And His disciples said to Him, "You see the crowd pressing around You, and yet You say, 'Who touched me?'" And He looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had been done to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before Him [i.e. she felt deeply ashamed!], and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease."

This woman was deeply ashamed. But it was about things she couldn't do anything about. On the contrary - she had done everything she possibly could. So, this is a typical case of the fourth category - that of toxic shame.
And note how Jesus deals with it. He knew what had happened; He knew that healing power had gone out from Him, healing the physical condition of this woman. But Jesus wanted more. He wanted to heal this woman's shame. So, publicly, in front of all the people, He connects Himself with her and lifts her up, calling her 'daughter'. There is no distancing in Him!! On the contrary! Then, He goes on to say that her faith had made her well. In other words: He honours her contribution to the healing. Finally, He gives her peace (shalom) and a continuity in the healing that had taken place.

Jesus' crucifixion
Gal.3:13 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us - for it is written, "Cursed be every one who hangs on a tree" - [it was and is extremely shameful to be hung on a cross, naked!] (cf. Is.53 - specially verse 3 and Heb 12:2).

The third category from the table above also appears many times in the Bible in stories of sinners, shamefully repenting, such as: An adulterous woman – Lk 7:37-38, The Samaritan woman – Jn 4:7-42, The prodigal son – Lk 15:18, The crowd hearing Peter's message – Acts 2:37 (cf. also various OT kings).

Note that true guilt can be totally forgiven through & by Jesus Christ: cf. e.g. Rom.8:1, 1 John 1:5-9, John 8:3-11

More Biblical background: NT Usage of various meanings of 'shame'

More Biblical background: OT Usage of various meanings of 'shame'

Some general notions on shame

The difference between shame and guilt

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me.
Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good."

With guilt, the response is a desire for atonement, to make amends, to correct a mistake, or heal a hurt.
With shame, there is just painful feelings of depression, alienation, self-doubt, loneliness, isolation, paranoia, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, inferiority, inadequacy, failure, helplessness, hopelessness, narcissism. "Shame is a sickness of the soul. It is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt in humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with a challenge. Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another."

As Bradshaw and others point out, shame is different from healthy guilt. Guilt is the unpleasant feeling we experience when we violate our beliefs and values. We can do something about guilt. We can change our behavior. In biblical terms, we can repent. But shame goes deeper than guilt. It touches the very core of our identity. As psychologist Norman Wright puts it,
"Guilt says 'I have made a mistake;' shame says 'I am a mistake.'"

(Text of this section so far adapted from: The Difference between Shame and Guilt, by Duen Hsi Yen and: Overcoming Shame, at the site of BestYears (Mike Bellah).)

“Shame is the narcissistic affect par excellence. All at once, one’s self-image and the image one wants others to believe in is proven false. Such shame cannot be managed or controlled. That is how it differs from guilt. Guilt presupposes freedom: a choice between what should be done and what has been done, between duty and desire, between good and evil. Guilt is the correlate of a free decision that turns out to be wrong. Guilt is related to actions, to what one does. Shame, however, is linked with vision and perception, with selfunderstanding and self-presentation, with the whole of one’s existence. Shame is related to the feeling of being wrong. Developmental psychology sees shame and doubt as part of that early stage of life in which children attempt to confirm their autonomy, when to the amusement of their loving, doting parents they try to stand alone and instead demonstrate their impotence by falling down. When the child has made a fool of itself, little is left of a still uncertain self-esteem. Shame results when one fails to achieve one’s ego-ideal and is forced to accept one’s own inferiority, in particular so when a personal faux pas, perhaps innocent in itself, has been noticed by somebody else.”

(Text of this paragraph quoted from: Rein Nauta, Cain and Abel: Violence, Shame and Jealousy, Pastoral Psychol, 58, 2009, p.65–71. Emphasis added.)

Other views

In a new age article I read this good piece:
"Since we were children, most of us have been taught how to conform. This takes it's toll on us as the tactics used to get us to do so ruin our self-esteem through the continual judgmental remarks we receive from those attempting to give us "guidance". We learn to view our sense of judgment and opinions as "faulty" as we assume the ones who are teaching us know better than we do what's going on. If our teachers are dysfunctional however, this may not be the case. They may be judging us simply because they are trying to prove their righteousness because they never received validation when they were children.
... Emotional support is crucial to building self-esteem when we are children. Without this, we end up feeling shameful and inferior which in turn results in neurosis, compulsions, addictions, and a myriad of other emotional diseases as we grow into adulthood. A society like ours that raises children in this militant fashion and squelches their creativity in an effort to get them to conform, cannot help but produce rebellious, defiant and neurotic offspring which is why there are so many problems with drugs, alcohol, and depression today."

Buddism sees guilt and shame as totally obsolete, 'wasted energy'. Mistakes are only to be learned from, and when you don't see the result you wanted (e.g. when rescueing a drowning person doesn't work out) there is no need to feel shame, because it's Karma why it didn't work out. So, there is no forgiveness, no 'mea culpa' in Buddhism (source was: http://www.dtsmed-data.com/noguilt.html (not present anymore)).

Other websites on shame and/or guilt:

(bold printed ones specially recommended)

Recovery from Shame ( PDF file), 6 studies for groups or individuals, by Dale and Juanita Ryan, IVP, 1992 [excellent!] [also explore the rest of this site for related material!]

SHAME - a thorough, Christian exposé by Rev. M.P. Rose: what it is, what it feels like, etc.; with extensive quotes from Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron.

The Theology of Christian Recovery (statements + Bible references)

Toxic shame - from John Bradshaw's book: "Healing the shame that binds you", at the site of Soul's Self Help Central (A.J. Mahari; New Age).

Shame and guilt, with quotes from John Bradsaw, at the site of Soul's Self Help Central (A.J. Mahari; New Age).

SHAME AND PSYCHOTHERAPY, by Marc Miller, Ph.D., psychotherapist. Describes some characteristics of shame. No solutions. Significant quote (from Silvan Tomkins): "... shame is the affect of indignity, transgression and alienation. ..."

Intimate Notes, column by Vernon C. Kelly Jr., M.D., in the Bulletin of the Tomkins Institute, Vol.1, Fall-Winter 1994, p.24-26; treats the dynamic of 'shaming' in intimate relationships like those between marriage partners, with the goal to enhance communication and intimacy through therapy.

Healing from Shame Associated with Traumatic Events, by Angie Panos, on the site of Gift from Within. Also available in pdf format.

Shame and the Regulation of Thoughts: A Study of Their Relationship to Attachment, by Shirley B. Beyer, University of Houston, and Colleen Hester, University of St. Thomas.

The e-book PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF-HELP, by Clay Tucker-Ladd, (published 1996 on the Internet) on the causes of depression, has a lot on shame – e.g. in chapter 6, part i. and chapter 6, part r.; an extensive analysis of the causes of depression, including feelings of guilt and shame and their common etiology a.o. in shaming messages received during childhood. Notes on how shame can be associated to our body or parts of it.
The whole book can also be downloaded in html or Word format - 2.3 MB in total.

The Importance of Being Open: Treatment of a Case of Shame, Obligation Guilt, and Obsessional Doubt; abstract of a conference article by Thomas Rosbrow, on being open as a counselor in contact with people who deal with shame-related issues. Significant quote: "To be warmly interested and responsive to a patient’s questions and interests is arguably a better starting point than to begin from a stance of neutrality and anonymity." Also discerns how shame can play a role in raging behaviour - which is used to 'cover' the ugly feelings of shame.

Forgiveness: Coming Home to God's Embrace, by Paul Thomas Thigpen; (Navigators' Discipleship Journal, Issue 114, Nov/Dec 1999).

Obedience or performance?, by Susan Maycinik (Navigators' Discipleship Journal, Issue 92, Mar/Apr 1996).

Living as God's beloved - an interview with Brennan Manning, author of (a.o.): Abba's Child, on how to experience God's love, by Paula Rinehart (Navigators' Discipleship Journal, Issue 100, July/Aug. 1997).

An good example of what 'toxic shame' can result in, can be found in: Crossdressing and Christianity: A REAL Man's Struggle, by Randall Wayne (at Leadership U); (also available as pre-formatted pdf file)

Thomas M. Scheff, Suzanne M. Retzinger, Shame, Anger and the Social Bond: A Theory of Sexual Offenders and Treatement, Electronic Journal of Sociology, 1997; ISSN: 1198 3655.

Thomas J. Scheff, Shame and the Social Bond: A Sociological Theory, web-article.

Kenneth M. Adams, Donald W. Robinson, Shame Reduction, Affect Regulation, and Sexual Boundary Development: Essential Building Blocks of Sexual Addiction Treatment, Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 1 January 2001, vol. 8, no. 1, pp. 23-44.

Joe Dallas, Shame On Me, web-article (Genesis Counseling, Tistin CA, 2003).

Books on shame and/or guilt or related issues

(bold printed ones specially recommended)

Melody Beattie, Codependent no more - how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself and Beyond codependency, Hazelden, USA, 1987 and 1989 respectively, combined edition: MJF Books - Fine Creative Media, New York USA, 1998.

John Bradshaw, Healing the shame that binds you, Health Communications, Deerfield Beach Florida USA, 1988 (translated into Dutch by Vivian Franken: Vrij van Schaamte - Van pijn naar levenskracht, Ankh Hermes, Deventer NL, 1996).

John Bradshaw, Family secrets - The path to self-acceptance and reunion, Bantam Books, New York USA etc., 1995.

Andrew Comiskey, Strength in Weakness - Healing Sexual and Relational Brokenness, Inter Varsity Press, Downers Grove IL, USA, 2003; ISBN 0-8308-2368-9.
Andrew has an excellent chapter on shame, starting with: "Shame is the raincoat of the soul, repelling the living water that would otherwise establish us as the beloved of God. It prevents us from receiving grace and truth where we need them the most. Many factors contribute to shame, but ultimately the problem is that we resist the reality of the Father's love. We believe, falsely, that our sin and weakness disqualify us for receiving his love.
But our Father is faithful. Through the cross Jesus removes every attitude that repels the truth of the Father's love for us. That love surpasses the cursed thought patterns collected over a lifetime of pain.
Though thick and well suited to repel love, our 'shame coats' are no match for God's love for us, a love revealed at Calvary" (p.69; Chapter 4: Strength to leave shame behind)

Susan Forward (with Craig Buck), Toxic Parents, 1989, 1997 (Dutch translation by Liesbeth Kramer-Plokker, edited by Heleen Niemeyer: Eindelijk je eigen leven leiden - Loskomen van een beschadigde jeugd, Pandora (Contact) / Kosmos, Utrecht NL, 1990, 1997).

Manis Friedman, Doesn't anyone blush anymore? - reclaming intimacy, modesty and sexuality, (edited by Jena Morris Brenningstall), Harper SanFrancisco, New York USA, 1990.
Comment: a rare book from a Jewish background, very thought provoking; see the main text for quotes from chapter 13 of this book.

Ruard Ganzevoort, Mag ik er zijn? - over genade en veroordeling, Kok Voorhoeve, Kampen NL, 1990.

Thomas A. Harris, I'm O.K. - You're O.K., Harper and Row, New York USA, 1967/1969 (Dutch translation: Ik ben o.k., jij bent o.k., Ambo, Baarn NL, 1973).

Erwin Lutzer, Managing your emotions, Victor Books, SP Publications, Wheaton, Illinois, USA, 1983.

Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child - the cry of the heart for intimate belonging, NavPress, Colorado USA, 1994.
Manning shows that there are in fact two ways to react to our toxic shame: that of the impostor or pharisee that denies his vulnerability, hiding it behind walls of seeming competence and power, and that of the child that listens to the Rabbi's heartbeat to find peace and a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Mary Ann Mayo, A Christian guide to sexual counseling – recovering the mystery and reality of "one flesh", Ministry Resources Library - Zondervan, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1987.

Miriam Neff, Women and Their Emotions, Moody Bible Institute, Chicago, 1983.

M. Scott Peck, The road less travelled - The new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth, Arrow books ltd, Random House, London GB, 1978.

Mary Pytches, Set My People Free: inner healing in the local church, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 1987; (Dutch translation by J. Hendriks: Bevrijdend Heil - Een handboek voor innerlijke heelwording, Stg. 'Vuur', Utrecht, 1990.)

Mary Pytches, Yesterday's Child - Understanding & healing present problems by examining the past, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 1990; ISBN 0 340 52273 9.

Mary Pytches, Rising above the storms of life - handling our emotions God's way, Eagle (IPS), Guildford, Surrey, GB, 2000; ISBN 0-86347-375-X.

David A. Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap - Letting Go of the Need to Achive (earlier editions titled: Healing Grace), Victor Books, SP Publications, USA, 1988 (Dutch translation: Genezende Genade - bevrijding van prestatiedwang, SP Publications, Colorado Springs USA / Shalom Books, Putten NL, 1991/1998). info: Shalombooks@wxs.nl)
Like Lewis Smedes, David Seamands shows how grace is the best antidote to shame. Shame is a hard taskmaster: we always should do still some better. Grace lifts that burden from us. Most instrumental I consider his notion that the false self becomes more obsessed with a more unreal goal as the true self becomes more hidden under it. This says that a relaxation of too high goals can sometimes help in uncovering the true self. As a result, our focus can shift from an unhealthy form of introspection to looking up to God. He affirms our being and leads us further towards healthy living.

Lewis B. Smedes, Shame and Grace - healing the shame we don't deserve, HarperSanFrancisco, Zondervan / HarperCollins, USA, 1993.
Comment: I like the way Lewis Smedes makes a distinction between healthy forms of shame and non-healthy ones. And how he discerns the ways in which others (e.g. our parents, when we were little) can shame us, but also the ways in which we can too easily shame ourselves. Many people feel and actually are disconnected as a result of shame. But Lewis Smedes also traces the origins of shame back to a fear of rejection or abandonment, and he introduces the vital concept of grace as antidote to this kind of toxic shame: "the experience of being accepted is the beginning of healing for the feeling of being unacceptable. Being accepted is the single most compelling need of our lives;..." (p.107). If we accept that we are loved by God out of His grace - no matter what (cf. Rom.8), then we more easily come to a healthy form of self-acceptance that defies shame. We may not be (nor feel) deserving, says Smedes, but we are worthy of the grace that saves. Then, we still may have to terms with our shamers. This, too, is treated carefully by Smedes. His concluding chapters on living lightly and the return of joy are indeed inspiring to lightness and a joyful life.

Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace awakening, Word, USA, 1990 (Dutch translation by Loes van Tuyl: Genade is een risico, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1993).

Anna A.A. Terruwe, Give Me Your Hand - About Affirmation, Key to Human Happiness, Croydon, Victoria, Spectrum Publications, 1973 (translation, by Martin Van Buuren, of: Geef mij je hand - over bevestiging, sleutel van menselijk geluk, in Dutch, De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1972).

John Townsend, Hiding from Love (We all long to be cared for, but we prevent it by -) - How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you, NavPress, USA, 1991 / Scripture Press, Amersham-on-the-Hill Bucks England, 1992.

Téo J. van der Weele, From Shame to Peace - Counselling and caring for the sexually abused, Importantia, Dordrecht NL, 2002 (earlier edition published through Monarch, Crowborough GB, 1995; also available in German, Finnish and Dutch).

Sandra D. Wilson, Released from shame - Recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families, (ACDF's), People Helper Books series (Gary R. Collins, ed.), IVP, Downers Grove Ill USA, 1990.

Sandra D. Wilson, Shame-free parenting - Are you trying to love your children a lot when you don't like yourself even a little?, IVP, Downers Grove Ill USA, 1992.

Sandra D. Wilson, Counseling Adult Children of Alcoholics, (ACOA's), Resources for Christian Counseling Vol.21 (ed. Gary Collins), Word Books, Dallas USA, 1989. (specially Ch.9 - Reclaiming the emotions: learning to feel, p.133-148 & Ch.11, Counseling for respectful relationships, p.170-191).

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© André H. Roosma, Accede!, Zoetermeer NL, 2002-03-10 / 2008-08-08; all rights reserved.