Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers Joined to a Healing God

2007-08-12
(book ref. updated)

This essay focusses on the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and the implications of that great event - especially for the pastoral counselor working with those who have suffered from severe abuse.
Many counselees who are wrestling with experiences of abuse by which they have been deeply wounded struggle with the issue of forgiveness. Often, thoughts of hatred against an abuser mingle with shame and feelings of inferiority and being sort of emotionally handicapped.
What is the significance of the cross in such situations? We all realize that it has something to do with forgiveness. But, it is hard to grasp the depth and width of it. And simplistic answers fail to satisfy. When we picture the cross as only a symbol of forgiveness, we miss a lot.
I sometimes hear pastoral workers emphasize the forgiveness we should offer our wrongdoers, because 'there is healing in forgiveness'. Because God has forgiven us, we have to forgive everyone who has done us any harm, they say. The simplistic way this is sometimes communicated to people who have been abused in the most -unspeakably- terrible ways, gives me shivers.
The significance of the cross in such situations is beyond our human understanding, I am inclined to say, as God shows me more about it month after month. Having said that, there are several aspects that I consider to be worth a closer look here. Firstly, it is good to realize that the crucifixion of Jesus has something to do with human 'sin'. So, why not start with looking at God's view on 'sin'?

I will not dwell on defining it, nor on describing what falls under it and what not - I will simply refer to it as 'our rebellion and distrust against a Loving God'. I do, however, want to look at God's reaction towards 'sin'.

God's reaction towards 'sin'

When it comes to the Bible, sometimes we have the impression of a kind of gap between the Old Testament revelation of Who God is, and the New Testament account about God. At first sight, the God of the Old Testament looks 'harder' while the New Testament God is often described as more grace-full. On the other hand: I am not able to divide God in two. Like the old Israelic credo went: 'The Lord, our God is One'. So, to my idea, we have to find the unity in the revelation about God in the two parts of the Bible.
Through the Old Testament, we get a clear picture of some aspects of the character of God that are less the focal subject of New Testament revelation - or so we think. One of the things that the Old Testament surely reveals, is God's enormeous hatred of iniquity and rebellion against Himself and against His ordinances - a hatred of what the Bible calls 'sin'. We see this in the laws of Moses, where several 'sins' were commanded to be punished with a death sentence - death, in many cases by stoning. Several OT periods have also witnessed the almost total destruction of entire nations because of their sin. Entire cities heve been turned into ashes because the inhabitants bluntly rebelled against God. Yes, I think we can say that the God of the Old Testament has a 'tough' side, as we see His anger towards 'sin'.
But what about the New Testament? Do we see this Godly hatred of 'sin' there too? Actually: yes. I do recognize it in the episode when Jesus made a whip and chased all tradesmen out of the holy temple of God. That place was to be the sanctified place where God revealed Himself to His people, not a trade hall where people abused the need of their fellow Israelic pilgrims for sacrifice animals, to sell cattle and change money at high margins. Their iniquity raised fury in Jesus.
As I came to think of it, I discovered a heartbreaking thing. As I said: sometimes we get the impression that the OT revelation of God shows a 'hard' God, while the NT shows a 'graceful' God. But what I discovered was almost the opposite: The New Testament shows how there isn't but one penalty for our 'sin' - our rebellion and distrust against a God of Love: the most gruesome death! Look at the enormeous travail accomplished by Jesus on the cross, dying to the righteous punishment to all our 'sin'! No 'soft solutions' here in that respect... Think of the enormeous shame - the humiliation he suffered being beaten in the face, even as He was totally sinless - yes: Total Purity Himself. Being stripped from His clothes: being hung there naked, spit at, et cetera. And then, the pain of it all - physically as well as mentally as well as emotionally - all the punishment of all sin being heaped upon Him in those Good Friday hours...
If sin was a small thing in God's eyes, or if the New Testament revelation of God was only a gentle, forgiving figure, this hadn't been necessary. Sin is a most terrible thing. Back in the early 1970's, a friend of mine used to wear a button that read (after Rom.6:23): 'the wages of sin is death - even with inflation'.

Sin and anger

Many survivors experience feelings associated to the fact that righteousness was violated. Feelings associated to being wronged and badly mistreated by incest or other forms of abuse or neglect.
The conclusion from the previous section is that these feelings are in a way in accordance with God's view on sin. Anger towards the sinful behaviour of an abuser can be very much in line with God's hatred of sin. Maybe even the anger some survivors experience towards their own behaviour can be seen as a 'good' reaction - given their often held assumption: "I am partially guilty of it myself; I might have prevented it" or similar thoughts (it is quite another matter whether that assumption is valid!).

Despite the often held assumption that anger is a 'negative' emotion that is 'not good', God shows great anger when confronted with sin. Similarly, sinful behaviour is to arouse our anger - when severe, even an anger that can kill. The Old Testament gives us some more detailed pictures about that. An example: In the laws given to Moses, a man caught after committing incest was to be stoned to death! A similar death penalty was commanded for several other forms of abuse or the like.

Another very clear example can be found in the life of king David. About him, God used to say: "A man after My heart". When we read his Psalms, we read about a man who knew a great intimacy with God.
But when David fell in love with his neighbor's wife Bathsheba, went to bed with her, and had her husband Uriah killed when she had become pregnant, God sent a furious prophet in His Name to rebuke David. Even when David showed great remorse, begging God and that prophet for forgiveness (Psalm 51; 2 Samuel 12), God said something like: "I have forgiven you, and you won't die for this sin, but you have given great opportunity to the enemies of the Lord to despise and blaspheme Him, so your child shall die." God refused to bless what David and the woman whom he had made his wife had done, by giving ongoing life to the baby they conceived. Even after forgiveness was given, the sin was not without consequences. Murder would be a constant threat in David's family, the prophet said. Things would never be the same anymore.¹

What I see clearly from this is, that God is not a kind of 'Sweet Santa Claus' or 'Father Christmas' who gives nice presents gently and softly and that is it. Justice has to take its course. Anger against injustice is part of our being created in God's image.
What is significant in the story about David is that God confronts him. Before pardon and forgiveness can be given in such severe cases, there is confrontation of the trespasser. Sin is called sin. David was made to realize unmistakenly that he deserved to die (cf. 2 Samuel 12).

I remember an afternoon when I was taking a walk with a good friend of mine. She was upset by the anger she had felt and expressed the day before towards her brother. She had yelled at him, and even hurt him emotionally, and she felt as if she had deserted him and as if she was a no-good woman because of it. "After all", she believed, "anger is a bad thing". Shame and feelings of distance to her relatives mingled and had become like a knot in her heart.
Looking up to God for counsel, I sensed a deep concern for her brother in her heart. So I asked her simply why she had been so upset towards her dear brother. It appeared he had done something by which he had - in her eyes - put himself and others in great danger. Her deep anger was a reflection of her deep love and concern for her brother. Her anger wasn't directed at her brother, but at the act that had endangered his life and that of others. Her love simply didn't want him to die! As she began to see this, her spirit lifted and that evening, she could phone her brother and tell him how much she cared about him. Sensing the warmth of her heart through her words, he could accept her advice not to do as he had done previously. In the end, the situation - yes, even her anger - had enforced the strong bond of love that they shared.

Back to the pastoral situation

For survivors of severe abuse, this affirmation of anger as a just reaction to the sin of their abusers can be a comforting as well as an unsettling thought. When I say: comforting, I refer to the affirmation it may give them at last, after hearing all their life so far that they just had to 'swallow' it all - however gruesome it was. Even abusers who held high offices in their churches, brutally molesting their daughters or sons week after week, often taught them they had to remain still and had to 'forgive'; after all 'that's what the Bible teaches', they said... (I get the shivers even as I write about it!) What a terrible distorted picture these poor ones were given of who God is... In such cases, it can be affirming and comforting to hear at last, that it is right to be angry for such terrible behaviour. To think and say that such abusers deserve the worst treatment - even a death penalty! Justice at last!
I have also spoken to survivors who didn't dare to acknowledge their -intense- anger, in fear of what they would do to their abusers. For them, to hear that anger could be just and fair, can be unsettling as well. "What? Release that lion inside me?" I once heard one say. In such instances it is good if we, as pastoral workers, haven't done any 'digging' ourselves, but waited for God to reveal what should be dealt with now. In that case, we know that the person will be able to deal with that what is unearthed with God's help.

In this process of acknowledging inner pent-up anger and pain, we, as counselors, can play an important role by affirming what God reveals. Affirming the anger as just. Affirming the abuse as abuse. The credo: 'the truth shall set us free' surely is applicable here. In this phase, letters of confrontation may be written (though I would advise: not sent yet) to the abusers. Counselees may be encouraged to learn to speak the truth in love. I personally was greatly encouraged by God in this, when I read David Augsburger's book Caring enough to confront. I like that title, as Augsburger makes it very clear that to love often means to confront. Or, to speak with Proverbs (27:5), "Open rebuke is better than hidden love."

But then, what are the implications of the crucifixion of Jesus for all this? After all, the word forgiveness appears frequently in the New Testament, or...?

The meaning of Jesus' Crucifixion

This brings us first to answer the question: why was Jesus crucified? Why was it necessary that someone - even the totally innocent, totally perfect Son of God in human flesh - should die that gruesome death on the cross? I know we don't understand but a tiny piece of it all. But yet, I do know that in order to satisfy justice, this is what God deemed necessary. He took our place in the execution of the death penalty.

"He was despised and rejected by men; a Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. And we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities. The chastisement that brought us peace (Hebrew: shalom; some translations have: that made us whole) was upon Him, and with His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed, and He was afflicted, yet He opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is dumb, so He opened not his mouth. By oppression and judgment He was taken away; and who shall declare His generation? For He was cut off out of the land of the living; for the transgression of My people was He stricken. And they made His grave with the wicked and with a rich man in His death, although He had done no violence, and there was no deceit in His mouth. Yet it was the will of the LORD to bruise Him; He has put him to grief. When He makes Himself an offering for sin, He shall see His seed, He shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand; He shall see the fruit of the travail of His soul and be satisfied; by His knowledge (Hebrew: da'ath; an intimate way of 'knowing' another, like being in his or her skin - the root of this word (yada') is in other contexts also translated as intimacy or having intercourse) shall My righteous Servant make many to be accounted righteous; for He shall bear their iniquities. Therefore I will divide Him a portion with the great, and He shall divide the spoil with the strong; because He poured out His soul to death, and was numbered with the transgressors; yet He bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors."

What exactly happened at that crucial moment of all history? All rebellion against God (what the Bible calls sin) and all thoughts and deeds springing forth from it (sins) had to meet their penalty. The penalty was - in those crucial hours - loaded on Jesus on the cross. It came in the form of the utter rejection of the people and their religious leaders raging against Him, the lack of understanding and betrayal by even His closest friends, it came as He was beaten in the face, spit at, mistreated terribly upon false testimonies by false witnesses, as His clothes were taken from His body, as He was flogged and had to walk that distance up Calvary's hill bearing the heavy crossbeam, as the big nails were driven into His hands by the hands of Roman soldiers and as, finally, the ultimate separation He experienced as even the heavenly Father withdrew Himself from Him as He was hanging there on the cross.
The result of all this? One obvious aspect of this is, that justice is done, even when God forgives us, thereby replacing us by His only Son in the execution of the death penalties we deserve. Justice isn't a 'light' word... Nor is grace, when we see this in the right perspective. Too often we have cheapened sin and thereby also grace!

God's forgiveness

What we see from the above, is that full forgiveness is not cheap. That's why God - though offering it for free to us - does demand from us some form of repentance before we can really receive it.
God demands repentance - that we ask Him for forgiveness, and give up our rebellion, turning away from the sin and towards Him with all our might. Think of the way Jesus taught His disciples to petition for this forgiveness on a regular basis in what has become known as 'the Lord's Prayer'.
In case we would stubbornly stick to our rebellion and not be willing to repent even after a period in which God would lovingly and patiently try to convince us, we may well forfeit the offer of forgiveness. Forgiveness is offered for free, but only received by those who acknowledge their wrong and accept Jesus' replacing us in the execution of the penalty (cf. Psalm 32:1-5 or the message of Peter in Acts 2).

When we feel guilty - whether we are legally guilty or not -, we can be sure that God forgives us fully as we acknowledge, and do not hide, our possible responsibilities in the matter (cf. 1 John 1:5-10 and Psalm 103:12). In that case, the anger and punishment of God are 'deflected' - from us unto Jesus. He has carried the ultimate burden of being totally separated from God in that dark hour at the cross. When we say: we need this 'deflection', we need Jesus, God sees us 'in Him'. And 'in Him' there is no more condemnation (Rom.8:1-3). It is finished. The love of God will not fail us (Rom.8:31-39). This is the Love that God demonstrated through Jesus Christ when He died for us on the cross.
Sometimes, a Christian counselor needs to help a counselee in appropriating this forgiveness for him- or herself. As we know that God forgives after sincere repentance has been shown and God's grace in Jesus is accepted, we can confidently proclaim forgiveness and freedom to the counselee who has fulfilled this condition.

(When the feeling remains after forgiveness is sincerely sought and received, I always am alert for guilt feelings and shame that are not based on true sin of the person him- or herself, but on a wrongly perceived sense of responsibility, or based on 'inheritance'. Let me explain both briefly. One may feel responsible for an abuse that took place, because the abuser accused the victim of 'seducing him/her into it', even though there was a relationship of authority in which the abuser was legally totally responsible for anything that would go on in the social engagement between the two. Sometimes it has helped to set up a kind of little courthouse situation. By 'externalising' the situation - seting the situation outside the person - the person can often see how silly it is to assume responsibility. Feelings of guilt can also be what I call: 'inherited'. The victim of abuse can be susceptible for the transfer of the feelings of the authoritarian abuser onto her- or himself, while the abuser may not even be aware of these feelings in him- or herself and later deny them completely.)

Our forgiveness - and the role of the cross in it

In the above, we saw that God offers full forgiveness and fully grants us forgiveness when we accept His offer. That's a great privilege.
Now, let us turn to the situation that someone has severely wounded us - like in the case of sexual or other froms of abuse. In case a former abuser asks his or her victim for forgiveness, we may derive from the forgiveness given by God a sense of justice to 'treat as we have been treated', and forgive him or her. But what to do with our - righteous (as we saw above) - anger? I have heard many say things that came down to: swallow it! And I have witnessed the poisonous results: the survivors being tempted very strongly to self-injury, or their -even strong- bodies eating themselves away in terrible illnesses, or any other kind of pathology. Perhaps it's time to look above for a moment again...
What did we see God do with His anger? God had a replacement-target for His anger: Jesus, there on the Cross! If Jesus suffered that badly for the justification of God's sense of righteousness, couldn't it be, that that same scene could fulfill the very same role for us? After all, He did take the full penalty of -also- that specific abuser's 'sin': all his or her evil attitude, thoughts, words, and behaviours.
If someone has abused me, and I see that another punishes him severely and adequately for it, I can relatively easy feel justice has been done and leave it at that. It's exactly the same here. When I see the terrible pain, humiliation and even death suffered by Jesus as a result of my abuser's sin, I can leave it at that.
And that's exaclty what I have discovered that God asks of us. It is a form of releasing - 'letting go and letting God' as the Al-Anon and other self-help groups phrase it - for God's sake and for your own. By acceding (agreeing) with the penalty of the sin being cast on Jesus-on-the-Cross, we can leave the matter. The sin is dealt with most adequately!

So, this justice can help us look with grace at an abuser - especially when he or she repents. After all, the abuse has been punished anyway - in Jesus on the Cross.
And as we stand in awe of what Jesus did for us, having sensed somehow how Jesus suffered for our sin and for the sin of all people who accept His offer, we realize we are not alone in our sufferings - past or present. He surely can stand alongside us in our sufferings. If there is, has been or will be ever anybody who has the right to say: "Leave it to Me!", it is He Who carried it all, there on Golgotha, Jesus Christ our Lord! Him be all glory now and forevermore!

Remains the harder - and more often occurring - situation where the abuser is not willing to show remorse or ask forgiveness. (We never know whether he or she will later, perhaps in the last hours of his or her life here, still come back on this rebellion and ask God for forgiveness.)
From the above, we can be sure that one way or another, God will deal with the sin - also the sin that was committed against human victim(s). So, even in this case, we can leave the matter to that highest Judge, knowing He will repay adequately.
And we can ask God for His supernatural love to dwell in us and give us the grace to be grace-full towards the abuser. In that way we will become able to even 'repay hatred with love'. Unnecessary to say that this may take time.

Sometimes, I have heard Joseph's forgiveness to his brothers who had sold him into slavery being used as an example of how we should always forgive. Indeed, this is a good example. But it's not that simple. Let's have a look at the situation (Genesis 37-45): what happened? Joseph was bragging about himself (partly as a result of his father spoiling him). His brothers became terribly annoyed and angry, finally selling him as slave to traders on their way to Egypt. There, he quickly earns the favour of his master, is falsely accused by his master's wife and ends up in an Egyptian prison. After a long time, God cared in a special way that he was appointed to be the second man in Egypt, directly under the pharao, ruling over everything. He got a special job of caring for the people of Egypt, saving food in good years to have something in a period of famine that was to come. When the years of famine had arrived, his brothers came to him for food, not knowing it was Joseph they were speaking with. And what does he do? He challenges them, accusing them of being spies, treating them harshly, closing them in jail for a couple of days. He had their money and even a golden king's cup put in their luggage to accuse them of theft. He had one of them stay in jail and accused his younger brother (similarly his father's favorite as he was) of robbery, to see whether they would stand up for him. In short, he challenged them to see whether they had changed their attitude. They see the link with what they had done to their brother Joseph long before (Gen.42:21,28,29). All of this may have lasted for years. Then, finally, Joseph reveals himself. They tremble with fear. He tells them he forgives them on the basis that he had come to see how God had used the situation and changed it all for good. But it had been quite a process!

Grace, forgiveness and reconciliation

I have noticed that many of us are confused by unclear teachings about the concepts of grace, forgiveness and reconciliation. Therefore, I want to provide some clarity.
Jesus said He did what He saw the Father do. In most of the Bible verses about forgiving, we are commanded to 'forgive, as God has forgiven us'. For me, the way God treats this subject can be summarized as follows:
A first step is the anger over sin, as we have seen above. In many cases, a confrontation of the one who wronged us is necessary, though it may be wisely postponed till after we did the next step.
The next step is God's offer of grace and His provision for a Lamb to be slaughtered - His Son - to take the penalty of sin in our place. The challenge for us is to agree with God and regard the matter of justice as being adequately dealt with. Thereby, we can leave things to God. I call this the phase of release to God. We no longer seek revenge, we leave the revenge to God - like He said: "Vengeance is Mine!" (Deut.32:35; Rom.12:19; Hebr.10:30).   Often that's as far as it gets.
A third step is that of forgiveness being asked by the wrongdoer. If the one who did us wrong confesses his or her wrong and repents (asks us forgiveness and shows signs of a willingness to change), we are to do our part in this step: forgive like God forgives - putting away the sin and seeing the other as if he or she never did that sin. When the one who did us wrong accepts our offer of grace and forgiveness, forgiveness is not only offered, it is also received. This is the forgiveness that Jesus mentioned in Luke 17:4. This forms the basis for the last phase: that of reconciliation.
In reconciliation, there is a restoration of the full connectedness, which is a process of, e.g., letting trust and intimacy grow again as a result of proven trustworthyness in the other.
Not always one realizes that the sin had consequences that can remain, or that need restoration.

Let me illustrate this with an example. A man or woman who cheated his or her partner has destroyed intimacy and trust. This means that intimacy and trust have to be build up again. The betrayed party has to give the former wrongdoer a fair chance, as if they didn't know each other yet. The former intimacy and trust are destroyed, but the sin isn't there anymore either (as it is carried over to Jesus and thereby fully forgiven). A new period of courtship may be necessary, in which a 'right' to intimacy has to be 'earned' again, just as it was in the beginning when they first met.

Note how in the whole process each step is conditional on the previous one. If there is no real sin, there is no place for vengeance. Without anger over sin, we cannot acknowledge how Jesus died for it and we cannot truly offer grace nor leave vengeance to God. Without us leaving vengeance to God, the wrongdoer will often not dare to admit his or her wrong, because he or she fears our -just!- vengeance. By the Cross of Jesus, he or she knows there is a safe place to admit and not fear the death penalty, as the death penalty has been executed already on Jesus. As the wrongdoer admits his/her wrong, we can hand the forgiveness to him or her and he or she can accept it gladly as a gracious gift. What happens is that the sin is no longer there. This is the basis for the last phase of restoration of intimacy, that begins with reconciliation. None of these transfers to a next phase can be taken for granted or demanded with force. They require the willingness of the two parties involved.

One more thing I feel I should mention here, in relation to restored intimacy. Paul speaks in his letter to the Ephesians (2:11-22) about the fact that we have been reconciled to God through the blood of Jesus. We have peace with God, and so we have access to Him in the Holy Spirit. In Old Testament times, there was a promise of God's presence with His people, Israel. In the temple they had limited access to God through offerings of animals, taking their place in a temporary fashion. This promise didn't count for others, unless they were willing to join God's chosen people, undergo the initiation rites and all. But through the blood of Christ, says Paul, this division doesn't exist anymore. So, he says, we are no longer strangers, but members of God's household. That is all the work of Christ, Who now builds His Church as a holy temple, just as we are being build into dwelling places of His Spirit.
To me, this illustrates the fact that God sees the situation after forgiveness has been offered, asked, given and received, as new. He invites us as children into His household again. Based on that, a further building of intimacy starts.

Healing

Above, I described a form of agreeing with God's penalty as it has been executed already. It is an act of submission to God as the highest righteous Judge. This form of agreeing with God sets us free to continue our life without anger, bitterness and the like. It also satisfies the deep sense of justice God created in us.
That this has a great positive effect on our life, will not be surprising.
The fact that God deals with grievous sin in an adequate fashion, has helped me even to take my proper place in an attitude of worshipful and thankful submission towards God. This is health promoting! I no longer have to chase anybody. A high and just Judge will take care. I know that God is a God who will not leave any sin unpunished. Either the person repents and the penalty is put on Jesus, or he or she remains in rebellion against God and will receive his or her own punishment.
This sets me more free to focus on the new life that God is giving me.

But before I turn to talk about the new life, there is one more thing. So far, we talked about justice, anger and forgiveness or 'leaving it to God'. We also saw - at least implicitly - the difference between shoving things 'under the carpet', and true release to God what belongs to Him, knowing He will adequately deal with it. And the difference between this releasing or the offer of forgiveness, and repentance on the part of the wrongdoer ('forgiveness accepted'), followed by the fullness of forgiveness given (which takes the sin out of the picture), and, lastly, 'reconciliation' starting a proces of building new trust and intimacy. We saw how we can become free from the oppression of abuse.
Remains the pain of our wounds. God said through His prophet Isaiah that we would be healed by Jesus' wounds. What does He mean by this, and how does that 'work' in practice? This is a complicated and partly mysterious matter. God's work goes far beyond what I can describe in a few words. Nevertheless, I did see a few patterns that I'd like to share with you.
One is the emotional healing that often comes through the observation that God acknowledges wrong as wrong and sin as sin. 'Justice at last' I have heard an incest survivor say with a sigh of relief. I have talked about this already, so I'll leave it at this.
Another is the healing that often comes through the realization (mental and emotional) that Jesus carried all the evil, all the rubbish. When we focus on the wrong we were done, it may look big. We fend ourselves off from others, we build walls around our hearts (often: crooked ones, as Bruce Thompson illustrates in Walls of my heart). When we see that Jesus took all that He did - willingly -, those walls start to crumble. One who was willing to go through that terrible agony is worthy of our trust, is worthy to say something into our situation. He 'deserves to speak'. He surely can identify with any pain we share with Him! This can mean an enormeous healing experience in our sense of connectedness. After all, as the old sayings go: a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved, or: company in distress makes sorrow less. Being no longer alone in it indeed makes a big difference.

In the example of Joseph, we saw how his grief was melted away by seeing God work bad things out for good, and by seeing his brothers' changed attitude. The crucifixion of Jesus, the Son of God, seemed a tragedy at first sight. Yet, it became the great turning point of all history. This, too, can help survivors of abuse reframe their experiences and gain a new sense of hope, from: "Everything went wrong in my life - now I am hopeless and without a future" to: "What might God be working out from my misery?"

There are many more ways in which God can use what happened at Calvary to heal. After all - and this is the greatest of all sources of healing - what happened there reconciled us with God (at least I hope you, too, took the opportunity to be reconciled with Him, as He offered it to us). Jesus carried in His wounds the penalty of sin. Our wounds were caused by the sins of others, and maybe also by our own sinful (re)actions. Once the sin is no longer there (as it was carried away on the Cross), it is as if the bullet is taken out of our gunshot wound and the wound is cleaned, such that it can heal properly.
The new intimacy with God, as obtained through Jesus' work on the cross, is a great resource of healing in itself. God is Love. Experiencing His tender and faithful, non-pushing and non-demanding love is the best antidote to experiences of neglect or abuse that I know of or can imagine. His love is famous for casting out fear - after all: what is left to fear for, when the Ruler of the universe loves you and is out to give you a great future? God is Peace. Experiencing His soft peace - a wholeness and tranquility in which we truly can relax - is the best antidote I know against our feelings of confusion, inadequacy, et cetera, that we may have had, growing up in an unsafe environment. God is the Truth. No better antidote can be found to an atmosphere of lies and ambiguities than to be in His presence. God is Life and Light. His presence in our life chases away the powers and words of death and darkness. And so I could go on.

And what, if some of the wounds or scars that are left still ache today?
That's not an easy question to tackle. But I do identify with it. I, too, have scars that still ache every now and then (some more often than others).
When we experience pain from wounds that maybe are still infected, we need to seek help in getting them healed. After all, pain was created as a warning signal to do something about it. For some years, I had to get used to the fact that I needed to sit a lot 'on our heavenly Father's lap' in order to receive emotional healing. At first, it went against my idea of being a strong man. But it was great to be pursued by God to do it at last - to take a lot of time, to read a lot in the Gospels and in the Psalms about God's tender ways of dealing with us, to allow my heart to be soothed by His Love!
Then, there are those scars that remain. We do not always know why. Paul talked about a thorn in his flesh, used by God in that it kept him simple and humble and in contact with his own limits and with his need for God. We still live in a broken world. Not everything is restored in this life. that's why Paul also said that we would be miserable when we would not have a hope for a new world to come. All creation waits eagerly (sighing) for Christ's second coming, when He will make all things new. Paul also talked about being allowed to share in the suffering of Christ, with the prospect also to share in His glory (cf. Rom.8:15-23).

The experience of healing, as partly described above, will change our heart. It will, in that way, contribute greatly to our becoming more grace-full; more Christ-like.
As counselors, we can contribute to this process in our counselees, by working alongside God, by seeing what He is doing and co-operate with that. And we can do so by blessing the people entrusted to us with God's presence and with those particular aspects of His presence that are most needed. By encouragement and empathy. By listening as God listens to us - with patience and interest.

Being crucified with Christ

Above we saw how Christ was crucified in our place, our death penalty being loaded upon Him. The consequences - when we accept this - are immense. Through Christ's crucifixion, the dividing wall between us and God was removed. We became connected to God and received His life in stead of our penalty. The apostle Paul expressed it this way:

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. "

Our task is to allow this new - Godly - life of Christ in us to transform our life from the inside out:

"How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were buried therefore with Him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with Him in a death like His, we shall certainly be united with Him in a resurrection like His. We know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the sinful body might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin. For he who has died is freed from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him. For we know that Christ being raised from the dead will never die again; death no longer has dominion over Him. The death He died He died to sin, once for all, but the life He lives He lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. Do not yield your members to sin as instruments of wickedness, but yield yourselves to God as men who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments of righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."

New life

In his marvelous book on the theme of the ultimate Great Wedding, The Divine Romance (see also my essay about that), Gene Edwards showed me an - untill then - new aspect of the fact that Jesus' side was pierced before His body was taken from the cross. His renewed body - by which He appeared to His disciples many times after His resurrection - still showed the scar of it. That reminds of another man, who underwent an operation on his side, after which he missed a little part there: a rib. I am talking, as we all will know, about Adam, as God took a rib from Adam to form Eve out of it, while Adam slept. In Jesus' victory over darkness at Calvary - that is: also during the days Jesus' body layed there, scarred, in the tomb - the foundation was laid for God sharing a piece of Himself with us. Only this time it was not flesh that was shared. God shared of His own Spirit, to begin create a new life in us. This way, the final Bride of Christ (the universal Church of all times and places) will have been formed from Jesus, in a similar way as Eve was made from the side of Adam, to stand at His side. Or, using another metaphore, referring to the virgin Mary, we become inseminated by the Holy Spirit, who brings forth the new life in us.
In that new identity - partly from water (the natural world), partly from God's Spirit, we are truly children of the heavenly Father. We inherit an entirely new (social) identity, with a new legacy and new experiences from which to draw hope and trust and joy. With connectedness where there was separation. With joy where there was misery. With love and care where there was neglect or abuse. Yes, also with anger where there was indifference or shame. With peace where there was confusion. Or affirmation, where all we ever knew was negation.
This new life, brought about by Jesus' victory, may indeed stand in sharp contrast to the old life we knew. Like a child that is taken from a very abusive environment and adopted into a warm and loving family, where it is valued and treated well, all our system has to get used to this new situation. Quite some time, the old system may still stick to us, in our thought patterns, in our emotions and habits, etc. In situations like this, some extra caring treatment will not harm us, but may be very useful indeed - to speed up the adaptation to the new situation. Likewise, counselees coming from severe abuse can benefit greatly from some extra blessing sessions in the period where they adapt to enjoy the new life. I have heard people talk about their limited 'old father' - as from a previous period - and their present enjoyable 'new, heavenly Father' in ways that moved me deeply. We can help counselees in this process by helping them focus on their new identity (e.g. by questions like: "whose kid are you, really, now?" or: "what is your new Father like - describe Him to me, please").

Finally, I ask you to look up Hebrews 12:1-29. This passage has some great lessons for us. It calls us to look to Jesus, the Author (He started writing) and Perfector of our faith (our intimacy with God). When we see, how He endured the Cross because of the harvest it would bring in the end, we will be challenged to also live our life from the future - from the harvest our actions will bring (be it good or bad). It speaks about God fathering us, correcting us when needed, so that we grow healthy. As His children, we need discipline to become fruitful. Our task is to submit to God's discipline. It exhorts us (v.15) to see to it that none of us "fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' spring up and cause trouble". And lastly, it tells us to realize who God is: an awesome God who rules! May He indeed inspire us to worship Him like He is worthy to be worshiped!

Summary and conclusion

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1. Being a clear example of God's anger, this story about David and Bathsheba is also a very clear example of God's gracious and complete redemption (later). Consider how Jesus was - humanly speaking - a descendant of Salomon,... right,... a son of David and Bathsheba! (cf. Mat.1:1,6,16)
   Our God truly is a God of great Mercy!

For further reading

The following is a selection of books on the centrality of the cross of Christ - specially in pastoral care. Boldface titles are specially recommended.

David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront - Learning to speak the truth in love, Herald Press, USA / Marshall Pickering, Basingstoke Hants UK, 1973 / 1980.

David Augsburger, Caring enough to forgive - true forgiveness; and: Caring enough to not forgive - false forgiveness, Regal, USA, 1981 / Herald, Scottdale PA USA.

William Backus, Telling the Truth to Troubled People - a manual for christian counselors, (Telling the Truth-series), Bethany House, Minneapolis MN, USA, 1985.

Rita Bennet, Making peace with your inner child, Fleming H. Revell, Old Tappan NJ USA / Kingsway, Eastbourne GB, 1987.

Signa Bodishbaugh, The Journey to Wholeness in Christ - A devotional adventure to becoming whole, Chosen Books / Baker Book House, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1997 (2nd printing, May 2000).

David Johnson, Jeff VanVonderen, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church, Bethany House, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 1991.

Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child - the cry of the heart for intimate belonging, NavPress, Colorado USA, 1994; (Dutch translation: Kind aan huis - Verlangen naar intimiteit met God; Navigator Boeken, ISBN: 9076596417).

Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel - embracing the unconditional love of God, Multnoma Books / Questar, Sisters Oregon USA, 1990 / SP Trust - Alpha, Aylesbury Bucks GB, 1997.

Tom Marshall, Free Indeed, Orama Christian Fellowship Trust, 1975/83; (Dutch translation by M.R. van Roosendaal, Gerrit Hoekstra, red.: Bevrijd om vrij te zijn - Volkomen herstel voor de hele mens, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1991).

Tom Marshall, Right Relationships - a Biblical foundation for making and mending relationships, Sovereign World Itnl, Chichester, GB, 1989.

Henri Nouwen, The return of the prodigal son, ...., 1988; (Available in Dutch version, edited by Evert vdr Poll: Eindelijk thuis - gedachten bij Rembrandts 'De terugkeer van de verloren zoon', Lannoo, Tielt, 2000).

Leanne Payne, Restoring the christian soul - through healing prayer (Overcoming the three great barriers to personal and spiritual completion in Christ), Crossway Books, Wheaton Ill USA, 1991; (Dutch translation by Martin Tensen: Herstel van identiteit door genezend gebed, Navigator Boeken, 2000; ISBN: 9070656957).

M. Scott Peck, The road less travelled - The new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth, Arrow Books Ltd, Random House, London GB, 1978.

Jessie Penn-Lewis, The centrality of the cross, The Overcomer Parkstone, GB / Christian Literature Crusade, Fort Washington PA, USA, 5e ed., not dated.

David A. Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap - Letting Go of the Need to Achieve (earlier editions titled: Healing Grace), Victor Books, SP Publications, USA, 1988; (Dutch translation: Genezende Genade - bevrijding van prestatiedwang, SP Publications, Colorado Springs USA / Shalom Books, Putten NL, 1991/1998. Info: Shalombooks@wxs.nl)

Lewis B. Smedes, Forgive and forget, Harper, San Francisco, 1984/1986; (Dutch translation: Vergeven IS genezen - een handleiding, Callenbach, Kampen NL, 1998).

Lewis B. Smedes, Shame and Grace - healing the shame we don't deserve, HarperSanFrancisco, Zondervan / HarperCollins, USA, 1993.

Lewis B. Smedes, The art of forgiving - when you need to forgive and don't know how, Ballantine Books New York, 1996; ISBN 345 41344 X.

Ron Smith & Rob Penner, Grace Simply Grace - dealing with condemnation and legalism in the Christian life, YWAM, Seattle WA USA, 1990/1992.

Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace awakening, Word, USA, 1990; (Dutch translation by Loes van Tuyl: Genade is een risico, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1993).

Anna A.A. Terruwe, Give Me Your Hand - About Affirmation, Key to Human Happiness, Croydon, Victoria, Spectrum Publications, 1973 (translation, by Martin Van Buuren, of: Geef mij je hand - over bevestiging, sleutel van menselijk geluk, in Dutch, De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1972).

Anna A.A. Terruwe, Geloven zonder angst en vrees (Believing without anxiety or fear; in Dutch), Romen, Roermond, 1971.

Bruce Thompson, Walls of my heart, Crown Ministries Itnl, USA, 1989; (Dutch translation by Theo Rutteman: Muren van je hart, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1990).

John Townsend, Hiding from Love (We all long to be cared for, but we prevent it by -) - How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you, NavPress, USA, 1991 / Scripture Press, Amersham-on-the-Hill Bucks England, 1992. ISBN 1-872059-68-6.

Ingrid Trobish, The Hidden Strength - Rooted in the Security of God's Love, Here's Life, San Bernardino, 1988.

Sandra D. Wilson, Released from shame - Recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families, (ACDF's), People Helper Books series (Gary R. Collins, ed.), IVP, Downers Grove Ill USA, 1990.

See also the Recommended Resources (annotated book list) of the Navigators' Discipleship Journal on the issue of the cross.

For further websurfing

The following is a selection of webpages on the centrality of the cross of Christ - specially in pastoral care. Boldface titles are specially recommended.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive - that is not the question, by Butch Magill, stressing that it is good to have a close look at what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Comment: A well-balanced, Biblical view with good, unbiased references to the Biblical narrative including verses that are not often quoted in this context.

The Forgiveness Factor - a Christianity Today article on an old Christian virtue. Social scientists are (re)discovering the healing power of forgiveness.
Comment: a good (though somewhat lengthy) article, with worthwhile inserts on what forgiveness is not (forgetting, reconciliation, condoning, dismissing, pardoning; from a book-chapter by Robert D. Enright), and on the process of forgiveness (also from an article by Robert D. Enright).

Splinters from the Cross - a wonderful experience of someone who couldn't get rid of the pain, suspecting she had been sexually abused, and yet not remembering the details, written by Mary Lawrence Comm.

A conversation with Leanne Payne, by David Kyle Foster of Mastering Life Ministries. In this interview (in two parts), Leanne also speaks of healing through the Cross of Jesus.

Laying the Foundation of the Cross in the Healing Process, by David Kyle Foster of Mastering Life Ministries.

Ministering to the abused, a brief introduction, by Melody Palm, in the Enrichment Journal, Febr. 2001.
Comment: though broader in scope than just the issue of the cross or the theme of forgiveness, I include it here because it is a very insightful brief introduction on the subject of its title, including a few good references.

Recovery from Sexual Abuse - Supernatural Solutions, by Grantley Morris.

Should the Abused Forgive? - a discussion by Alan Gijsbers (committed Christian), Roselie Freeman (Jewish atheist) and David Clarke (document in pdf format).
Comment: Only in part written from a Christian viewpoint (and I do not agree with the authors on everything), but nevertheless a good discussion on this important issue, with a few extensive quotes from the relevant literature and two suggestions for a staged forgiveness process - one of them from Enright (see Christianity Today article, above).

Restorative Justice - A light in the darkness, paper presented to the ICCPPC World Congress, Mexico City, 13 Sept. 1999, by Jim Consedine (New Zealand). It addresses the criminal justice system and suggests to look at restoration, not punishment, as a means of justice.
Comment: Not particularly from a Christian viewpoint (and I do not agree with the author on everything), but nevertheless thought-provoking on this important issue.

From the Discipleship Journal (Navigators USA) library (all recommended):
When Blood Washed Away Rage - What made Jesus angry, and why wasn't He angry at other times? - by James Long (Issue 87, May/June 1995)
Look Your Anger in the Face - What you'll miss if you merely control your anger, by one of my favorite writers: Dan Allender (Issue 87, May/June 1995)
Forgive And Forget And Other Myths Of Forgiveness - True forgiveness doesn’t mean releasing your angry feelings and pretending the harm never happened, also by Dan Allender (Issue 70, July/Aug 1992)
Feeding Your Enemy - True forgiveness not only cancels the offender's debt, it challenges him to repent and be reconciled; yes, this one too: by Dan Allender (Issue 71 Sept/Oct 1992)
Why Am I So Angry? - Discovering the root of our anger is the first step in resolving it; by Shannon B. Rainey (Issue 87, May/June 1995)
Forgiveness: Coming Home To God's Embrace; by Paul Thomas Thigpen (Issue 114, Nov/Dec 1999)
"I Can't Forgive Myself!" - What you need to know if you still feel guilty; by Gayle G. Roper (Issue 99, May/June 1997)
The Outrageous Psalms - Can we pray for revenge as the psalmists did? by Jill Richardson (Issue 99, May/June 1997; see also How To Read The Psalms - Nine Principles To Enrich Your Understanding; by Tremper Longman III, and Language of the heart - The psalms meet us where we are, even when our feelings are less than godly, by Thomas C. Parker, both in the same issue)
Where Love and Justice Collide - Why did Jesus have to die? Was there no other way? by Ken Gire (Issue 110, 1999)
Cross Purposes - Calvary reveals the passionate heart of God; by Timothy Sanford (Issue 110, 1999)
At the Foot of the Cross - What does it mean to humble yourself? by Joni Eareckson Tada (Issue 105, May/June 1998)
Living under the Cross - How living beneath the cross from day to day transforms us; by Gerald L. Sittser (Issue 110, Mar/Apr 1995; 1999?)
Come to the Cross - Gazing, grieving, weeping and worshiping at the cross. A personal experience; by Tricia McCary Rhodes (Issue 110, 1999)
Talking Foolishness - How do you talk about the cross with people who scoff at the concepts of sin and guilt? by Paula Rinehart (Issue 110, Mar/Apr 1995; 1999?)
The Joy in Humility - God promises rich rewards to the humble; by Warren and Ruth Myers (Issue 105, May/June 1998)
A slow walk in the sand: Sometimes forgiveness is a process; by Sherri Langton and Ginger Green
Where's the joy? - It May Be Closer Than You Think - keys to finding the Source of True Delight; by Paul Thigpen (Issue 93, May/June 1996)
Good Grief: The good news is that "Christian grief not only tells the truth about death, it tells the truth about hope."; by Roger Edwards, challenging us from 1 Thes.4:13 (NIV): "We do not want you... to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." (Issue 134, March/April 2003)
Hope: anchoring your heart to a sure and certain future - indeed: very hope-full
His ways, our ways - trusting God to shape our lives; by David Hazard (Issue 95, Sep/Oct 1996)
The listening side of prayer - Learn to listen to God in a world of incessant noise; by Stacy Padrick (Issue 95, Sep/Oct 1996)
He Left His Place in Paradise - Christ Incarnate is Jesus rubbing shoulders with the dinginess of diseased humanity; by Tricia McCary Rhodes (Issue 102, Nov/Dec 1997)
Believe it or not? - when it comes to trusting God, your actions speak louder than your words; with a good section on our identity in Christ; by Stacey S. Padrick (Issue 103, Jan/Feb 1998)
He Chose to be Vulnerable; by Paula Rinehart (Issue 102, Nov/Dec 1997)
Living as God's beloved - an interview with Brennan Manning, author of (a.o.): Abba's Child, on how to experience God's love; by Paula Rinehart (Issue 100, Jul/Aug 1997)
Love: delighting in God's tenderness - we all need to hear and experience that we are loved, but how do we get there? With questions for further reflection and/or discussion with friends
Friendship with God - Moving from Duty to Delight; by Michelle McKinney Hammond (Issue 114, Nov/Dec 1999)
Making Peace With Your Parents - How to forgive and let go of the past; by Paul Thigpen (Issue 90, Nov/Dec 1995)
To Set The Captives Free - what happens when you fail to forgive? - to you? - to the one who sinned? - An older and more traditional article by Paul Thigpen (Issue 30, Nov 1985)
Pardon Me? - It isn’t just the other guy who needs to be forgiven; by Paul Thigpen (Issue 46, July/Aug 1988)
The Joy In Humility - God promises rich rewards to the humble; by Warren and Ruth Myers (Issue 105, May/June 1998)
5 Myths About Suffering - see your pain from God's perspective; by Stacey S. Padrick (Issue 113, Sept/Oct 1999)
Here comes the groom - Living in joyful anticipation of Christ's return; by Rebecca Barlow Jordan (Issue 110, Mar/Apr, 1999)

From the NACR (Christian Recovery) library:
Seeing God in new ways, recovery from distorted images of God; see also the meditation on this subject;
Relationships and Recovery by Dale S. Ryan;
Theology and Recovery by Dale S. Ryan;
The F word - forgiveness and its imitations - An interview with David Augsburger, Professor of Pastoral Care at Fuller Theological Seminary and author of (a.o.) the excellent books: Caring enough to forgive and Caring enough to confront;
Beyond victimization - by Carmen Renee Berry (author of: Are you having fun yet? How to bring the art of play into your recovery);
On quick fixes - we all long for them, and we know they're not real...
A meditation on Grief by Dale & Juanita Ryan

From its sister-site Spiritual abuse recovery:
Spiritual Abuse - An interview with Jeff VanVonderen - the coauthor of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.

At the Flemish Contextual Counseling site of Leren over leven (Learning about life; the Dutch has a wink to 'learning to survive'), there is the valuable Dutch article: Families en vergeving: de wonden helen in de intergenerationele familie. It summarizes some of the ideas presented in the book by T.D. Hargrave, Families and Forgiveness: Healing Wounds in the Intergenerational Family, New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1994.

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More information or suggestions

For more information, or your reaction to the above, you can contact me via e-mail: andre.roosma@12accede.nl.

© André H. Roosma , Accede!, Zoetermeer/Soest NL, 2003-01-18 / 2020-01-02; all rights reserved.