Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers Joined to a Healing God

2005-01-18

Traumatized people have many stories to tell. A lot of these stories tell me about a hard struggle experienced in loneliness. One of the most painful stories of many of those survivors that I meet, is a story that can be summarized as: "there never was anybody who really wanted to listen to me!" This, indeed, is a very sad thing. If only there had been one who had listened, they had not felt so alone in their struggle and possibly something could have been done about the cause of their trauma.

Often, I also hear about how hard it has become for them to trust others. Understandable, since they never even experienced that anybody took the effort to really listen. . .

So, in christian counseling, it is of prime importance that we learn to listen - and I mean not just hear and record the words but really listen empathetically to the people who seek help. One could call it the first or prime ingredient of christian counseling. I see this also in Jesus. He had attention for the individual. And He refused to stay on the surface - He listened to the cry of the heart. For that;s what makes true, empathetic listening hard: you get involved emotionally. Let me illustrate this.
When I help someone in gardening, I know that I probably get my hands dirty. But I may do it because I have confidence that my hands can be washed again. With counseling, it's the same. In helping someone to sort out a traumatic past, I know I may experience emotions like sadness, anger, et cetera with them. I may become upset. That's a basic feature of standing next to each other (cf. Rom.12:15). But I want to do it nevertheless because I have confidence that I will also be able to remain in contact with God's peace, or at least come back to that peace.
Too often, counselors have wanted to maintain what is arrogantly dubbed: 'a professional distance'. While more often than not it is exactly distance and disconnection that led to the troubles of the counselees. We cannot be involved in a curing process from a distance. One could say that not even God could. That's why Jesus came down and got His hands (and not just His hands!!) 'dirty'.

That's also why I preceded this exposé by an exposé on Life as a growth process - where I dealt with finding peace in the middle of a rough valley road, one on Helping by blessing - about how we can administer the peace of God in each other's life, and an exposé on Wounded healers - where we saw how our wounds can be a source of intimacy and recognition as well as hope for others who struggle with similar issues.

Now, suppose you are ready to sit down with someone; what then, are some aspects of listening that can be helpful to communicate the empathy that's in your heart?
Here, I learned a lot from three sources, three streams of insights:

		Thomas Gordon's insights on active listening;
		Téo van der Weele's insights on cultural awareness;
		insights from narrative therapy.
		more recent insights from attachment psychology

The last category is addressed in my article: The Aaronic Priestly Blessing: God's Shining Face (see especially note 1 in it).
In the sequel of this article, the first three categories will be addressed.

Active listening

In his courses and books (see the literature list at the end of this essay), Thomas Gordon teaches us what it means to listen: Not 'know what the other will say beforehand', not 'ask suggestive or closed questions', but encourage people to tell you more, by using body language and little statements that show what you understood so far. When you are interested or curious what someone has to say, your body language will reflect that. You will not look out of the window, do other things in the meantime or things like that. Your posture, your face will reflect your curiousness or interest. You will not interrupt the story this person is telling you. When he or she tells you about a horrible experience in which he/she felt terribly frightened, you will not say: "yes, I understand you were a little afraid". That would be totally denying the horrifying and terrifying intensity of the experience. In stead, you might acknowledge his/her feelings by saying something like: "I understand you were absolutely terrified by such a horrible thing".

Then, many questions are not even necessary. The person will feel the empathy and acknowledgement in your words, in your attitude and in your posture. Encouraged by that, he/she may naturally dare to tell you more.

When I look at the moments I have felt safe to tell more of my own pain to anybody, it was invariably because I experienced this calm openness in them. Mostly, this led to a healing or encouraging experience. I encourage you to read one of Dr. Gordon's books or possibly take part in a Gordon training or seminar.

Cultural awareness

Téo van der Weele drew upon his experience as a missionary in Thailand as he discovered that incest survivors and other counselees all and each have a 'culture' of their own, where words and gestures have different connotations and feelings attached to them as for many other people who did not experience such horror.
Where, for example, a hand on a shoulder may be perceived by some as an encouragement (like saying: "Hey, I'm your friend!"), others may get terrible chivers from it as it was so many times the prelude to being sexually molested. For some, the word 'father' may have a connotation of the worst molestor, while for others it may have been the only safe person. Naming God 'Father' may not always be a loving thing to do. Fortunately, the Bible has a lot of alternatives. E.g. we can speak of 'the Almighty', or 'the Eternal One', 'the King of Kings', 'the Good Shepherd' et cetera. His tender care is illustrated by that of a mother. God's Spirit is a.o. compared to a lawyer defending us, to an advisor, to a white dove, to a soft wind, and to fire. Jesus Christ is both our Brother, Friend, Messiah, Jeshua, Saviour, Counselor, Bridegroom, Head, et cetera.

The only way to find out what words, gestures etc. mean to a person is by asking. Asking before touching a person, or before referring to God by a certain name. Not assuming you already know. Humility indeed is a great virtue for a counselor. And seeing everybody as unique, with a unique set of experiences that nobody else has experienced that way.

Narrative therapy

I also learned a lot from some postmodernists, in particular the narrative therapists Michael White and David Epston. Because I observe that not many people are familiar with this, I will say a little more about their teachings here. Together with some feminist scholars these postmoderns have rightfully (as I see it) demonstrated a big issue in traditional, secular, 'modern' thinking about psychology and counseling.

'Modern' (as opposed to the post-modern) psychology is for a large part strongly based on Greek and 'enlightenment' humanist (materialist) thinking. It seeks improvement away from God and has made the human cognitive faculties its idol (compare Descartes' Cogito ergo sum). It wants to 'fix' by 'analysis' - using the mind, it wants to reason and to persuade by the power of the mind; to control via the mind. An essential ingredient is positivism or technocracy - the idea that we can and will control all things and change them for the better. Another is reductionism - in order to give a feeling of control over the real world, a strongly reduced image of it is made which is or at least seems to be controllable. This 'modern' psychology stresses 'proper diagnosis' (cf. the DSM-series) and makes the psychologist a kind of unique 'expert' - thus disempowering the counselee.
See also: Jeffrey Satinover, The empty self - C.G. Jung and the Gnostic transformation of modern identity, Hamewith Books, Westport Connecticut USA, 1996, or what Leanne Payne says about Jung and modern gnosticism. You may also want to check Paul C. Vitz' Sigmund Freud's Christian Unconscious.

The benefit of these postmodern 'narrative therapists' is that they have a way of leading us back to reality. Reality is more complex than we will ever be able to control. The stories of people's lifes are similarly multi-faceted and offer - when carefully explored - in themselves a lot of answers to the problems they may be facing.
I feel indebted to Frank Baird, who introduced me to Narrative therapy in the first place, through his excellent article: A narrative context for conversations with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, Progress - Family Systems Research and Therapy, 1996, Vol. 5, Encino CA: Phillips Graduate Institute, pp.51-71 (in pdf format). The yearly editions of his Journal (were and) will be made available at The Phillips Graduate Institute website in the future. Untill that time, Phillips Graduate Institute - the copyright owner - and the author, Frank Baird, have kindly allowed to make this valuable article available via this website.
A lot more can be said about this. I refer to a web-article by Alice Morgan and the refs therein: What is narrative therapy?, to a schematic introduction to Narrative Therapy by Michael White himself, and to a brief intro on Narrative Therapy as described by the Dulwich Centre, on the Virtual Faculty site of A. Lock.
Besides, they also have - as representatives of social constructionism - put the relational side of our being more central again (for more on this, cf. John Shotter, The social construction of our 'inner' lives; do note the significant quote from M.M. Bakhtin).

What I learned from the 'narrative therapists' were new ways to treat counselees with dignity. To listen to their multi-threaded, multidimensional stories with new interest and curiosity. To help seek in the wealth of experience of themselves for clues ('alternative stories') to the problems faced. Many times, people get locked into one dimension of thinking. As counselors, we can help them by digging up the other experiences they also have.
They also taught me to seek for applicable allegories and use the power of story creatively (speaking of using the power of story creatively, I appreciate Mooli Lahad's Six Piece Story Method - here briefly explained on Kim Dent-Brown's website - for assessment of pathologies and strengths in counselees).
And the idea of seeing life as a 'story', influenced by other 'stories', gives me a new understanding of the enormeous impact of the many stories we read or watch (on tv, for example). Becoming more selective in the stories we engage in at a conscious level, can help us stay on track.

I also got a new appreciation of the narrative nature of the Bible - the greatest Storybook ever (did you ever wonder why God chose mainly a story-book form while most theologians rather write more 'systematic' treatments of their subject? I did! Which is -partly- why this approach appeals to me...).
I just mentioned becoming more selective in the stories we engage in. The Bible gives us a good and pure source of story. After all, there is One: our Creator, Who says He is the final Author (or Editor) of our faith - and thus, of our life story (cf. Hebr.12:2 NIV and Jer.29:11). Who better to consult to change our life story for the better than Him?

'Therapeutic writing' or 'Re-authoring therapy'
I have observed a great parallel between White & Epston's 'Therapeutic writing' or 'Re-authoring therapy' and the apostle Paul's pastoral, affirmational ways of writing. Both have a way of 'seeing' the diamonds between the stones. And I have welcomed the fruitfulness of this approach in my own counseling practice with great joy.
The idea is that we can easily help the counselee focus on what God has so far been doing (e.g. "It was great to hear how - even in the deepest valleys - God has somehow given you the hope to keep on searching further...") and the good role the counselee has played in the process (e.g. "I admire how you have fought to come free from..." or "I feel great respect about the courage you showed by coming to us and entrusting to us a difficult part of your life story - specially after all the bad experiences you had in your life with trusting people..."). This can empower and encourage the counselee substantially. He or she finally experiences a normal influence on his or her further life story.
Acknowledging hardship that the counselee endured (e.g. "It must have been a horrible experience for you when..."), or acknowledging or justifying the feelings he or she experienced ("I can very well imagine you felt betrayed when...") are other ways in which we can encourage and empower him or her.
For more examples, I refer to Paul's letters - specially the first chapters of them (e.g. Romans 1:8 - a brief one and only based on hearsay because Paul hadn't visited the Chruch in Rome yet -, 1 Corinthians 1:4-9; 2 Corinthians 1:3-5,15-16,24; Galatians 4:14;5:7a; Ephesians 1:1--3:21; esp. 1:15; 2:8,20,22; Philippians 1:3-7,19; 4:1; Colossians 1:3-6,8; 2:5-6; et cetera).

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For further reading

The following is a selection of recommended books on the theme of listening to multithreaded life stories. Boldface titles are specially recommended.

David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront - Learning to speak the truth in love, Herald Press, USA / Marshall Pickering, Basingstoke Hants UK, 1973 / 1980.

Signa Bodishbaugh, The Journey to Wholeness in Christ - A devotional adventure to becoming whole, Chosen Books / Baker Book House, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1997 (2nd printing, May 2000); (to appear soon in a Dutch translation of Martin Tensen: Heelheid in Christus, with Cocon Publishing).

Larry Crabb & Dan Allender, Encouragement, the key to caring, Zondervan Grand Rapids MI USA, 1984 (Dutch translation by Evert W. van der Poll: Bemoedigen doet goed - De pastorale opdracht van de gemeente, Navigatorboeken, Driebergen NL, 1995; ISBN: 9070656655).

Larry Crabb, Connecting - Healing for ourselves and our relationships; a radical vision, Word Publishing, Nashville Tennessee USA, 1997; Dutch translation by Rob van Stormbroek: Verbondenheid, Navigator Boeken / Medema, Driebergen / Vaassen, 1998.

Loren Cunningham met Janice Rogers, Is that really You, God?, Chosen Books, USA, 1984; (Dutch translation by Else van der Kroon: Is dit echt van U, Heer? - hoe een zendingsbeweging groeide door het luisteren naar God, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1985.

David Epston, Michael White and Kevin Murray, A proposal for a re-authoring therapy: Rose's revisioning of her life and a commentary, in: Sheila McNamee and Kenneth J. Gergen, Therapy as social construction, Sage Publications, London etc.

Jill Freedman, Gene Combs, Narrative Therapy: The Social Construction of Preferred Realities; ISBN 0393702073.

Thomas Gordon, P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training, Effectiveness Training Itnl, Solana Beach USA, 1970; (translated into Dutch: Luisteren naar kinderen - De nieuwe methode voor overleg in het gezin, Elsevier, Amsterdam/Brussel NL/B, 1984; translation by R. Buitenrust Hettema-van Coevorden).

Thomas Gordon, P.E.T. families: problems, insights and solutions in parent effectiveness training, Effectiveness Training Itnl, Solana Beach USA, 1976/79; (translated into Dutch: Luisteren naar elkaar - Harmonisch samenleven door een betere communicatie binnen het gezin, Tirion, Baarn NL, 1996; earlier published as: Luisteren naar elkaar - Problemen uitpraten en oplossen in het gezin, De Nederlandse Boekhandel, Antwerpen B / Dekker & Van de Vegt, Nijmegen NL, 1979; translation by S. Tyberg).
Comment: I think I would not have the listening skills I have without attending a kind of 'active listening seminar', back in the 1980-ies. I still feel indebted to Thomas Gordon, who came with this idea, wrote books about it and founded this 'movement' of 'Parent Effectiveness Trainings. I have seen families change for the better after the parents started to listen to and affirm their children as adviced by Gordon.

Joyce Huggett, Listening to Others - hearing their voice, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 1988; ISBN 0-340-64171-1.

D. John Lee, Storying ourselves - A narrative perspective on christians in psychology, Christian Explorations in Psychology -series, Baker Books, Grand Rapids MI, USA, 1993.

Brennan Manning, Abba's Child - the cry of the heart for intimate belonging, NavPress, Colorado USA, 1994.

Tom Marshall, Right Relationships - a Biblical foundation for making and mending relationships, Sovereign World Itnl, Chichester, GB, 1989.

Alan Loy McGinnis, The Friendship Factor, Augsburg, Minneapolis MN USA, 1979; (Dutch translation: Wegen tot vriendschap, Serie Pastorale Handreiking, Voorhoeve, Den Haag NL, 1982).

Alice Miller, Das drama des begabten Kindes und die Suche nach dem wahren Selbst - eine Um- und Fortschreibung, 1979. (Also translated into English: The Drama of Being a Child: The Search for the True Self, ISBN 1860491014. And - by Tinke Davids - into Dutch: Het drama van het begaafde kind - op zoek naar het ware zelf, Van Holkema en Warendorf - Unieboek, Houten NL, 1981 / 2001 (24ste druk).

Bruce Narramore, You’re someone special, Zondervan, 1978; (Dutch translation by Simon van Vliet: De waarde van zelfrespect, Novapres, Laren NL, 1979).

Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer - ministry in contemporary society, Doubleday, New York USA, 1972. ISBN 0-385-14803-8.

Henri J.M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus - reflections on Christian leadership, Crossroad, New York USA, 198x. (Also translated by Margreet Stelling into Dutch: In de naam van Jezus - Over pastoraat in de toekomst, Oase - Lannoo, Tielt B, 1989.)

Henri Nouwen, The return of the prodigal son, ...., 1988; (Available in Dutch version, edited by Evert vdr Poll: Eindelijk thuis - gedachten bij Rembrandts 'De terugkeer vam de verloren zoon', Lannoo, Tielt, 2000).

Kathy Olsen, Silent Pain, Navpress, Colorado Springs Colorado USA, 1992 (Dutch translation by Petra Nemansky: Verborgen pijn - Een voortdurend conflict tussen verstand en gevoel, Navigator Boeken, Driebergen NL, 1996).

Leanne Payne, The Healing Presence, Crossway Books, Wheaton Ill USA / Baker Book House, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1989/1995.

Leanne Payne, Restoring the christian soul - through healing prayer (Overcoming the three great barriers to personal and spiritual completion in Christ), Crossway Books, Wheaton Ill USA, 1991.

Gary Smalley & John Trent, The Hidden Value of a Man, Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, USA, 1992; Emmy Goudzwaard & Petra Nemansky, red. Gerrit Hoekstra: De verborgen waarde van een MAN - De enorme invloed van een man op zijn gezin, Gideon, Hoornaar, 1995).

Paul D. Stanley, J. Robert Clinton, Connecting - The mentoring relationships you need to succeed in life, Navpress, Colorado Springs, USA, 1992. ISBN 0-89109-638-8.

Deborah Tannen, That's not what I meant, USA, 1986; (Dutch translation by Trudy Schermer-Lodema: Dat bedoelde ik niet - hoe taal relaties maakt of breekt, Ooievaar Pockethouse (Prometheus / Bert Bakker), 1995 / 1992).

Anna A.A. Terruwe, De Frustratieneurose, (The frustration neurosis; in Dutch); 1e druk: J.J. Romen & Zonen, Roermond NL, 1962 / 6e druk: De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1988 / laatste druk: Bosch & Keunig (Combo: 035-5482401) 1993.

Anna A.A. Terruwe, De liefde bouwt een woning (Love builds a home; in Dutch), J.J. Romen & Zonen, Roermond NL, 1971.

Anna A.A. Terruwe, Give Me Your Hand - About Affirmation, Key to Human Happiness, Croydon, Victoria, Spectrum Publications, 1973 (translation, by Martin Van Buuren, of: Geef mij je hand - over bevestiging, sleutel van menselijk geluk, in Dutch, De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1972).

Anna A.A. Terruwe, Geloven zonder angst en vrees (Believing without anxiety or fear; in Dutch), Romen, Roermond, 1971.

Paul Tournier, L'aventure de la vie, Delachaux & Niestlé, Neuchâtel / Paris, 1965; (English translation by Edwin Hudson: The adventure of living, SCM Press, London, 1966).

John Townsend, Hiding from Love (We all long to be cared for, but we prevent it by -) - How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you, NavPress, USA, 1991 / Scripture Press, Amersham-on-the-Hill Bucks England, 1992. ISBN 1-872059-68-6.

Lori A. Varick, Designed for dependency - moving from emotional isolation to intimacy, Emerald Books, Lynnwood Washington USA, 1994.

Michael White, David Epston, Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends, W.W. Norton, New York, 1990, ISBN 0393700984.

Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy, Health Communications, Deerfield Beach Florida USA, 1985.

For further websurfing

The following is a selection of recommended webpages on active listening and narrative therapy. Boldface titles are specially recommended.

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Compassionate communication: the language of the Jackal vs that of the Giraffe.

Henry Pinsker, 'The Supportive Component of Psychotherapy', Psychiatric Times, November 1998, Vol. XV, Issue 11.

Frank Baird, A narrative context for conversations with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, Progress - Family Systems Research and Therapy, 1996, Vol. 5, Encino CA: Phillips Graduate Institute, pp.51-71 (in pdf format). The yearly editions of his Journal (were and) will be made available at The Phillips Graduate Institute website in the future. Preliminarily, Phillips Graduate Institute - the copyright owner -, and the author, Frank Baird, have kindly allowed to make this valuable article available via this website.

Sallyann Roth and David Epston, Framework for a White Epston type interview (also available from narrativeapproaches.com), web document based on and extended from: The process of questioning: a therapy of literary merit, in: The selected papers of Michael White, Dulwich Centre Publications, Adelaide, 1989.

Sallyann Roth & David Epston, Consulting the Problem about the Problematic Relationship: An Exercise for Experiencing a Relationship with an Externalized Problem, in: M. Hoyt (ed.), Constructive Therapies vol. II, Guilford, New York, 1996.

David Epston, A format of questions for an alternative version of a problem's relationship to a couple's relationship, Gecko: a journal of deconstruction and narrative practice (Dulwich Centre Publications), Adelaide, 1997, Vol.1.

Nick Drury, Anorexia Tattoo, Part II co-authored by Eve and Gail, Kno News, Occasional Papers, 1998.

John Winslade and Gerald Monk, A Narrative Approach In Mediation, webdocument (note: .pdf format).

Mark Donovan, 'An Introduction to Narrative Therapy', (powerpoint presentation), with associated NT References (.pdf document), BPS Division of Clinical Psychology Faculty for Children & Young People - Here There and Everywhere conference - Cambridge, 29-30 August 2002.

Michael White, Narrative practice and the unpacking of identity conclusions, Gecko: a journal of deconstruction and narrative practice (Dulwich Centre Publications), Adelaide, 2001, No.1.

Michael Bamberg, Why young American English-speaking children confuse anger and sadness: a study of how grammar develops in practice.

Terri L. Kelly, Towards a "Common Sense" Deconstruction in Narrative Therapy, Department of Conflict Resolution, Portland State University.

Ruard Ganzevoort, Investigating life stories - personal narrative in pastoral psychology, in: Jl of Psychology and Theology, Vol.21, No.4, pp.277-287.

Ruard Ganzevoort, Religion in rewriting the story - case study of a sexually abused man, in: The Itl Jl for the Psychology of Religion, Vol.11, No.1, 2001, pp.45-62.

Mooli Lahad, Six Piece Story Method - here briefly explained on Kim Dent-Brown's website - for assessment of pathologies and strengths in counselees.

The Nurturing Parent staff, Fostering healthy attachment - An interview with Dr. Karen Walant.

Kathryn Cohan, Basics of Relational Theory.

Alice Morgan, What is narrative therapy?.

Michael White, A schematic introduction to Narrative Therapy.

A brief intro on Narrative Therapy as described by the Dulwich Centre, on the Virtual Faculty site of A. Lock.

A. Lock: Draft outline for a course on identity and self (With significant quotes from: K.J. Gergen, Realities and Relationships: Soundings in Social Construction, Harvard University Press, Cambridge MA, 1994, p.viii; F. Jameson, Postmodernism and Consumer Society, in E. A. Caplin (Ed.) Postmodernism and its Discontents, Verso, London, 1988, pp. 13-29; and Bakhtin, M.M., 1984: 287.)

John Shotter, The social construction of our 'inner' lives, (With a significant quote from M.M. Bakhtin, Problems of Dostoevsky's Poetics, edited and trans. by Caryl Emerson, University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis, 1984, p.110)

Daniel D. Hutto (Centre for Meaning and Metaphysical Studies, University of Hertfordshire, England), The Story of the Self: The Narrative Basis of Self-development.

In the special issue on The Opening of Narrative Space of the Iona Jnl of Pastoral Counseling, Volume XXXII, 1997, I found a few very noteworthy articles:
Reggie Marra, 'Story, Silence and Spirit: The Crisis of the First-Person Pronouns'.
Robert Monteleone, 'The Integrity of a Narrative Path: Circles of Possibilities'.
James E. Giles, 'The Story of the Self: The Self of the Story' (referring, a.o. to Augustine - one of the first great autobiographers) (reprinted from: Cross Currents. Religion and Intellectual Life, Fall 1986, Volume 4, Number 1, page 105-112).
Noirin Foley, 'The Pearl in the Crab: A Personal Discovery of the Treasure in Metaphor'.

Peter Rober (KERN Vzw. BE), Dissociatie, Hechting en Therapeutische Verhalen: Een casus (Dissociation, Attachment and Therapeutic Stories: A case-study; in Dutch)

Mary Beth Williams Listening to the Lessons of Survivors: Sharing their Truths and their Lessons on the site of Gift from Within; also available in pdf format.

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More information or suggestions

For more information, or your reaction to the above, you can contact me via e-mail: andre.roosma@12accede.nl.

© André H. Roosma, Accede!, Zoetermeer NL, 2003-01-03 / 2007-01-29; all rights reserved.