Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God
| Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God |
Blessing nonverbally: a powerful language |
2007-06-13When we talk about communication, we are often inclined to
think of talking - speaking and hearing words.
This is verbal communication (from: verba = word).
There are also nonverbal forms of communication; communication without words.
Think of an affirming nod, and angry face or rather a smiling one, a
handshake or a hug.
People who know more about this than I do, have told me that actually,
the majority of our communication is not in the words that we say.
Our body language, our facial expression and gestures 'say' more
than our words.
What we communicate in these ways often also goes deeper: think of a
friendly smile that can touch you very deeply in your heart.
The joyful 'talk'
While I write this, I am reminded of an event that happened one sunday morning in church. A family I did not know yet was sitting about four rows in front of me and a bit more to the right. On the mother's lap was a toddler that was a bit annoyed.
At some moment he looked over the shoulder of his mother and between a lot of other heads and shoulders - straight into my face. I tried to look at him with love and gave him a little nod: "nice to see you!". Immediately he got shy and hid behind his mother. I joined in his feelings and hid my face behind the liturgy-handout. Very carefully we both looked around our corners with one eye. I saw on his face that he was surprised that I had hidden my face also. Because of that, he got a bit more daring, and looked a little longer before ducking again. I looked a little longer, too. More and more curiosity was winning over shyness. It became a nice game. In a way we became like little friends who play together. He visibly enjoyed the various expressions I showed on my face. And I, too, enjoyed this playful little kid. After the meeting at the coffeetable I met his mother - still holding the little boy on her arm. Immediately he greeted me enthousiastically, much to the surprise of his mom. She: "oh,..., he never does this on other occasions; he always is so shy..." On which I reacted loosely: "yeah, but we just had such a nice time of talking and playing together, just a moment ago during the meeting..." I saw a very big questionmark on her forehead, so I explained to her what had happened.
Carefully he looked over mummy's shoulder and ducked away again...
In this example a lot happened in a relatively short time.
Very quickly, the toddler felt more safe when he experienced himself being
accepted and understood in his shyness by the fact that I hid my face also.
I met him in his feelings.
I think I did so because I have experienced that God - my heavenly Father -
does that also. Every time, over and again, He comes where I am.
And I used the fact that I have known feelings of shyness and shame in my
life as well.
In a similar way we can use our imagination and our own feelings in
counseling to stand beside the one who comes for our help, also in a
nonverbal way.
Safety is an important issue in counseling.
Precisely our gestures can communicate very powerfully: "you are
welcome, with your feelings and all".
Counselees often have seen and heard such other things...
I noticed in the help I have received myself as a 'survivor' how good it is,
to see and sense that you are welcome and understood.
To see and in that way experience that the counselor also has known
feelings of shyness, shame, sadness, anger, etc.
In blessing, another dimension is added to this.
By being with another in a blessing way we can show him or her
understanding for his or her situation and feelings.
When we give help on our own, we can empathize with the other.
Perhaps we can give good advice or ask questions that clarify the situation
for the other person very much.
That in itself can be of great help.
But this goes much further still.
In blessing one another we also stand besides God.
We tune ourselves to what He is doing in the life of the other.
We can draw from how He can meet the other in a much more profound way.
We share from His unmeasurably great love and grace.
Then, there's no need to be meagre. He is so rich!
We know from the Gospels how Jesus looked at the people with love.
How enormeously much room He had for broken people.
I am reminded of that event where He came to two sisters who just lost
their dear and precious brother (you find it in John 11).
Especially one of them - Mary was her name - was sobbing almost unconsolably.
He didn't say: "Oh, don't cry, Mary, because I am going to do something
about it!".
No, He first cries with her!
Now, that is nonverbal blessing! How accepted she will have felt!
In this way, there are many forms in which we can 'speak'
very powerfully through the look in our eyes and by our gestures or body
language, and say things like: "you are so welcome!",
"glad, that you say that!", "courageous!", "oh, how
terrible that must have been for you!", "I belief in you!",
"o, good for you!", et cetera, et cetera.
It has to do with being fine-tuned to God and to the other.
And it has to do with making our own feelings available - all that we have
experienced in our body - to God to be used in the communication.
Then we don't come short easily!
By this nonverbal blessing we sometimes - unexpected and ignorantly -
can disempower all kinds of ugly messages people may have received as a
child.
That, too, often went without words, or words were enforced by strong
gestures and facial expressions.
With God we find space as well as the authority to do this boldly.
And - perhaps unknown to ourselves - the wisdom to be 'just right' in it.
(In between we naturally can communicate also other things nonverbally,
such as: "unbelievable!", "what exactly do you mean by
that?", et cetera.
But that was not the focus of this article.)
I have wondered: how come, that does this 'works' so powerfully?
Without claiming that I have THE answer to that, I would like to dig a
little into this.
In the first place there is the work of God. He uses this.
But there are also vere 'ordinary' explanations for the fact that nonverbal
affirmation can be so beneficial.
I think it has at least also to do with the following.
Nonverbal communication involves our body and is very closely tied to our
emotions or affects, as psychologists call them.
Trauma's often have a bodily component as well.
Intense emotional experiences are stored in our bodies, according
new psychological research.
An anti-message (compare: antidote to a poisoness snake-bite) that is also
conveyed via body language, does not need to be translated by a verbal
language centre in our brain first, but can be 'taken in' immediately.
Sometimes it also has to do with the trauma itself.
For example: Someone has never known safety - as a baby already not.
Never was there a mother or father who looked to him or her with love and
acceptance.
When someone like that experiences through your eyes and gestures something
of God Who does look at him or her with that deep and pure love and
acceptance, that can be a very deep and healing experience.
One look can do more than a hundred words, because that baby, too, was
more focused on the face of mommy and daddy than on the words that he
or she didn't understand yet.
By the way, such a beneficial look can feel scary in the begining for such
a person, because it is so unknown.
In that case we have to take it easy, and not want too much at once.
I can do that by focussing on how patient God is.
I see that in the Bible - for example in the Gospels -, and also in His work
in my own life.
Téo van der Weele: 'Een oog voor eenzame kinderen' (An eye for lonely children; in Dutch), formerly on the site of the foundation De Kracht van Vrede (Powerful Peace).
André H. Roosma: The Priestly Blessing: God's Shining Face, Attachment: Key to Healthy Living through Adequate Affect Regulation, Helping by Blessing - working together with God on healing and restoration, and Blessing - a Bible Study on an Often Undervalued Christian Mandate; all here on this site (cf. also the literature in these articles).
Some backgrounds about the influence of tendencies against our physical
bodies in theology (from Greek thinking) is described very well in the Dutch
article:
Ruard Ganzevoort, De zin van het geschonden lichaam -
Lichamelijkheid en pastoraat; in Gereformeerd Theologisch Tijdschrift
97 (4), 1997, p.168-177.
And in: Gerard Feller, De huidige contactarme maatschappij,
an article at the pastoral site of foundation Promise.
In this article Gerard Feller digs into the given that our modern western society is much estranged from the normal, warm human contact. He elaborates how touch can give meaning in a practical way - hands and feet - to being a loving community as a church.
See also: Chris Coursey The World Needs a Hug [Word doc], article at Chris & Jen Coursey's website: Thrive Today.
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For more information, or your reaction to the above, you can contact me via e-mail: andre.roosma@12accede.nl.
André H. Roosma, Accede!, Zoetermeer NL, 2002-10-12 (first Dutch version) / 2007-06-13;
all rights reserved.