Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God
| Thoughts and Encouragements for Wounded Helpers
Joined to a Healing God |
Human dignity |
2023-02-09When I was in Thailand back in 1985, one day I
traveled by 'river taxi' - a big name given to a long narrow (about 1 m. wide!)
open boat for about 20 people, with an old car-engine on the rear deck,
functioning as a public transport system through the rivers and canals in the
swampy parts of Bangkok.
Many of the rather open, wooden pole-houses it passed weren't bigger than
a few square meters, with the sewage water of the canal gulfing through the
living room with every 'river taxi' passing by at high speed.
All of a sudden - it was early morning - the 'taxi' stopped at one
of those 'houses' and two small boys got in.
I still remember how perplexed I was when I saw those two little boys.
They were both very neatly dressed: very shiny white shirts without any wrinkle,
short trousers, also neatly ironed, shining black shoes, hair nicely combed,
as if they just came from under a good shower and were dressed up as for
a ball or something.
And their faces - I still recall their shining faces. It appeared they were
going to school and these clothes were their school uniforms.
It made me think: if people in such terribly miserable conditions can still
send their kids to school with such dignity...
Years later I drove through the suburbs of a very rich and wealthy western capital. Everywhere in those streets there were bumped and rusty cars. Smashed windows. Remainders of what once had been curtains hanging out there, torn halfway. Paintless houses. Trash all over the place. People smoking drugs on the sidewalk. Hopelessness abounding. I thought back of those two boys there in Bangkok. Surviving from much less than even the minimum social security available in that western city. This contrast left me with a deep impression of what dignity is - and how much difference it makes.
Dignity - my Websters New Collegiate Dictionary gives as
its first meaning: 1: the quality or state of being worthy,
honoured or esteemed. So, it has to do with worth, honor and esteem.
It's something of the heart, but influenced by how others treated you.
One who has a sense of dignity will show it. His or her posture will likely
be upright. He or she will look you in the eye. You will almost naturally feel
an urge to treat that person with respect.
It occurs to me that too many times, our dignity gets damaged
in relationships, or we simply forget about our dignity.
See a.o. my study on shame for examples.
Maybe your dignity was somewhat or even severely damaged too, by people
who treated you as dirt, who abused you or whatever.
That's terrible. You may feel as if they robbed you of your dignity.
Those are terrible experiences to live with. And I surely hope that something
in this article will help you to seek and find dignity again!
Sometimes, or rather all too often, I also see that we shame ourselves
and/or we shame others.
We think either of ourselves or of others as 'no good'.
Or we do things by which we lower ourselves.
The consequence is, that we start to feel like we are 'no good'.
In this fallen world, we sometimes lose our dignity.
God is different - and it's sooo good to know that, not
just with your head but also in your heart.
Throughout the Bible He speaks about us with dignity.
We were created in the image of God in the first place.
What an image of dignity! As He Himself said on the sixth day of creation,
that we were very good (the original Hebrew word tobh has something of
pleasure and joy in it as well)! And even though we left Him, God loves us and
chooses to associate Himself with us, to welcome us into His house, to accept
us as His beloved sons and daughters.
To me that does not speak of shame or belittleing, but of dignity and beauty
and worth.
I have often encountered confusion about this.
People have told me: “But God hates sin, how then, can He not
look down on me? I have betrayed Him so often...” or:
“I am such a jerk - even my own dad used me like I was trash!”
Isn't this how we sometimes wrestle against sin, but have difficulty
overcoming it, because we have given up on ourselves and our dignity already
before?
I came to see that in many situations like that, I already had crossed the
border between the land of dignity and the land of shame.
My shame begot hopelessness and my hopelessness begot indifference,
and so I gave in and lost even more of my (sense of) dignity.
It's a one-way spiral: it only goes further down.
Yes, there is, and it's called grace.
Grace is what treats us not for what we deserve but for what we are worth.
In his excellent book on shame and grace, Lewis Smedes draws on the parable
described in Luke 15:11-32, to explain this.
One who certainly experienced shame, was the youngest son - the one who left
his father and brother to spend his money on a luxuous life with superficial
friendships, etc. - the Bible speaks of a ‘loose life’.
In the end, when he had lost all his money and fortune and the land was stricken
with famine, he was hungering for the pods he was asked to feet the pigs of
his master. He knew he didn't deserve his father's grace.
Yet, he thought his father would be a better master to serve
than the masters in the far country he was in.
And his father? His father considered the son worthy to be welcomed
back as a precious son. He was delighted even to see him again. He threw a big
banquet, and gave him a good bath and some nice, new clothes to wear.
This parable was Jesus' way of telling us: “No matter how you have
spoiled your life and all that had been entrusted to you - no matter how
undeserving you may be, the Heavenly Father loves to welcome you, celebrating
your return - because no matter what, in His eyes you are worthy of His love
and of His home”.
What we see from Jesus' parable, is that the youngest son's
dignity was associated to his father's love for him.
Once he decided to leave his father behind, he started to lose his dignity.
Once he returned, he found his dignity back.
The same can become true for each and everyone of us.
It is not dependent on how deep we have sunk or whatever we have done.
We may be undeserving, but God considers us worthy of dignity and
challenges or urges us to choose to connect to Him again.
By connecting again, we reverse the turning away from God in distrust, that has
characterized the majority of the human race since the days of Adam and Eve.
When we turn back to God, we discover He was already on the lookout for us.
He will celebrate our return and give us new clothes - clothes of dignity.
This is not only a one-time decision.
Every time we discover we have distrusted God or done something that
has jeopardized our dignity, we can turn to Him again.
In His embrace, we can start to experience again the worth He has given us.
Our dignity, in conclusion, is associated to our connection with God!
Being a child - a son or a daughter - of the Almighty God is a position of
the greatest dignity possible for any creature!
Above, we spoke about what I would call: existential dignity. Once we start to regain our existential dignity by connecting to God, we can also make choices that influence the dignity of our functioning in this world. One of the Bible verses that speaks of this dignity is this:
“But God's firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: 'The Lord knows those who are His,' and, 'Let every one who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.' In a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and earthenware, and some for noble use, some for ignoble. If any one purifies himself from what is ignoble, then he will be a vessel for noble use, consecrated and useful to the master of the house, ready for any good work.”
What I see here, is that the choices we make in life can
have a far-reaching effect!
By 'departing from iniquity' - i.e. saying 'no' to things that God hates -
we can make ourselves available to God for more noble use.
Staying away from iniquity also is connected to the beautiful garments
of the Bride of Christ, at the Great Wedding (see my article about that).
Dignity and beauty are closely linked.
Though even when some external beauty has been destroyed in the brokenness
of this world, there can be an inner beauty and dignity that is worth so much
more!
Note how all this, again, is resting on the fact that 'God knows us' when we
have become 'His' (2 Tim.2:19, above).
Not our 'works' are to be the main source of our sense of worth (cf. what Jesus
says to His disciples in Luke 10:16-20),
but the fact that we are 'registered in heaven' as 'belonging to God'.
The worth He assigns to us, is the most solid basis of our dignity.
The security we find in God is why the apostle Paul, in Rom.8:1,31-39,
can say something like:
'who will judge us, when God has accepted us, who will belittle us, when God
has lifted us up, who will call us unlovable when nothing can separate us from
God's love, burning in His heart for us?'
Will this not lead us to thank and worship Him?
Will this existential dignity not lead to a transformed life - a life where
dignity will be visible?
Dignity and worshipping God belong together. One follows from the other.
Note that the opposite is true as well.
In Rom.1:18-32
the apostle Paul makes it very clear that an attitude of
unthankfulness and ingratitude - not thanking and worshipping God
for what He did and does for us and for Who He is - can lead to a total loss of
dignity.
Let me approach it from still another angle.
Jesus taught His disciples to remain in Him - attached to Him as branches
on a vine (John 15:1-17).
When we do, we become enthousiastic about Him and about His love,
just like Mary (see Mary's amazing story
).
And like it did in her, our enthousiasm for Him and our new-found dignity
will stir us to worship and thank Him worthily.
And in that worship, as we accede even closer to His throne, we discover new
dimensions of dignity He is eager to bestow on us.
I have sometimes compared this to a fruit tree.
Before it can bear fruit, it has to bloom.
And the richer its blossom opens in the sunlight in splendour and
fragrance, the more fertilized it will become, the more fruit it will yield.
One day, long ago, God showed me some flowers on a hilltop - shining and
directed to the sun - as their way of worshipping God, and as a metaphore for
our worship. It's an image of great dignity, beauty and gladness, based on and
reflecting the warm sunlight which is a metaphore for God's Love.
So, since that day, I have always associated the blooming to worship,
to opening oneself heavenward, lifting our hands to God like the tree its
branches and like the flowers direct themselves to the sun.
Actually, why don't you just start to thank God and praise Him right now?
In case you are not used to it and don't know what to say,
you might say something like: “Father God in heaven, what a wonderful and great thing it is that, in Christ, You accepted me as your child! I thank You and praise You for Your great Love. And Jesus, I thank and praise You for what You did - restoring me to the intimacy with the heavenly Father - when You died for my sins and those of the ones who have put me down. Thank You - that You lift me up! You are great! Thank You for the dignity You give me! ...(and add your own words here, let His Spirit lead you)...” |
We all need some sense of dignity. We were created with
dignity. We were called into dignity - being united to God Almighty in His
family is a position of dignity.
Yet, many struggle with more feelings of shame than dignity.
So, it is of great importance in the pastorate to treat people with dignity
and to help them to look at themselves as worthy beings.
This can be quite a process when someone has experienced severe abuse or
neglect from caregivers early in life. But is is possible!
Reading Psalms or reading the Gospels and see how Jesus treated people with
respect can help. It can be good to help them to see the difference between
friends who treat them as worthy and those who treat them as dirt (and
encourage them to stay away from, or confront, the latter).
Since a sense of dignity can motivate us to become more clean, or
to steer away from sin (that puts our dignity down), gaining dignity can be a
good step early in the process of recovery.
Sometimes, talking about it can help. But we can also bless a counselee with
the dignity of being God's son or daughter.
God can bestow on them this sense of dignity through His Spirit.
I will not soon forget the very good experience with this I once had.
It was a counselee who often looked down, his chest as far 'down' and 'in' as possible.
He went through a very heavy process of recovery. We had blessed him and send him home.
The next time he came, his head was lifted up, his chest looking twice as big.
He had found dignity at last!
From that moment on, the process seemed to go twice as fast as before.
God is sooo good! I thanked Him from the bottom of my heart!
(bold printed ones specially recommended)
From the Discipleship Journal (Navigators USA) library:
Living as God's beloved - an interview with Brennan
Manning, author of (a.o.): Abba's Child, on how we can experience
God's love, by Paula Rinehart (Issue 100, Jul/Aug 1997).
Friendship with God - Moving from Duty to Delight, by
Michelle McKinney Hammond (Issue 114, Nov/Dec 1999).
He chose to be vulnerable, by Paula Rinehart
(Issue 102, Nov/Dec 1997).
Why should I trust God?, by Linda Dillow
(Issue 103, Jan/Feb 1998).
Believe it or not?, by Stacey S. Padrick
(Issue 103, Jan/Feb 1998) - with a good section on our identity in Christ.
Hope: anchoring your heart to a sure and certain future
- indeed: very hope-full
Love: delighting in God's tenderness, by Paula Rinehart
(Issue 114, Nov/Dec 1999) -
we all need to hear and experience that we are loved, but how do we get there?
With questions for further reflection and/or discussion with friends.
His ways, our ways - trusting God to shape our lives,
by David Hazard (Issue 95, Sep/Oct 1996).
The listening side of prayer
The Freedom of Surrender - the key to joy and peace
in your walk with God, by Gary Thomas (Issue 95, Sep/Oct 1996).
This article explores the relief that is ours when we overcome our fear of
letting go and allowing God to govern our lives.
Here is help in identifying and getting beyond those barriers that keep us
from full trust in God and from the peace and purpose that we can experience
in Christ.
From the NACR
Library of Christian Recovery International;
with a wealth of articles, Bible studies, etc.
The F word - forgiveness and its imitations -
An interview with David Augsburger, Professor of Pastoral Care at
Fuller Theological Seminary and author of (a.o.) the excellent books:
Caring enough to forgive and Caring enough to confront
Beyond victimization - by Carmen Renee Berry
(author of: Are you having fun yet?
How to bring the art of play into your recovery) -
specially recommended!
On quick fixes - we all long for them, and we know
they're not real...
Seeing God in new ways,
recovery from distorted images of God;
see also the
meditation on this subject
Recovery from Distorted Images of Self
(6 Bible studies for groups or individuals;
);
see also Seeing ourselves in new ways - a study on this subject in 7
parts.
A meditation on
Grief by Dale & Juanita Ryan.
From its sister-site
Spiritual
abuse recovery:
Spiritual Abuse - An interview with Jeff VanVonderen
- the coauthor of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
(bold printed ones specially recommended)
Dan B. Allender, The Wounded Heart, Navpress, Colorado Springs Colorado USA, 1990; (Dutch translation by Andrea Blok: Voor het leven getekend? - Hoop voor slachtoffers van seksueel misbruik, Navigator Boeken / Novapress, Driebergen NL, 1995).
Neil T. Anderson, Victory over the darkness - realizing the power of your identity in Christ, Regal Books, Ventura California, USA, 1990.
Neil T. Anderson, The Bondage breaker - overcoming negative thoughts, irrational feelings, habitual sins, Harvest House Publ, Eugene Oregon USA, 1990/1993; (Dutch translation by Dieta Huigen-Malenstein en Gerrit Hoekstra: De Bevrijder - reken af met dwingende gedachten, onredelijke gevoelens, onbedwingbare zonden, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1994).
David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront - Learning to speak the truth in love, Herald Press, USA / Marshall Pickering, Basingstoke Hants UK, 1973 / 1980.
Signa Bodishbaugh, The Journey to Wholeness in Christ - A devotional adventure to becoming whole, Chosen Books / Baker Book House, Grand Rapids MI USA, 1997 (2nd printing, May 2000).
Jamie Buckingham, Risky living, Logos Itl, USA, 1978; (Dutch translation by Wilma Offers: Het open leven - een weg tot innerlijke genezing, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1980).
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Boundaries - When to say YES, when to say NO, to take control of your life, Zondervan, Grand Rapids Michigan USA, 1992; (also: Strand Publishing, Sydney, Australia, 1996; Dutch translation by Marionne L. Lufting-Heijna: Grenzen - wanneer zeg ik ja, wanneer zeg ik nee, hoe bepaal ik mijn eigen grenzen, Koinonia, 1998; ISBN: 90-76193-01-0).
Judson Cornwall & Michael S.B. Reid, Whose love is it anyway?, Sharon, Pilgrims Hatch Brentwood Essex GB, 1991. Dutch translation: Wiens liefde is het eigenlijk?, Sharon, Waddinxveen NL, 199x.
Stephen R. Covey (with A. Roger Merrill & Rebecca R. Merill), First things first; to live to love, to learn to leave a legacy, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994; (Dutch translation by Ruud van der Helm: Prioriteiten - Effectieve keuzes in leven en werk, Franklin Covey / Business Contact, Amsterdam Antwerpen, 2001; ISBN 90 254 1460 5).
Larry Crabb & Dan Allender, Encouragement, the key to caring, Zondervan Grand Rapids MI USA, 1984 (Dutch translation by Evert W. van der Poll: Bemoedigen doet goed - De pastorale opdracht van de gemeente, Navigatorboeken, Driebergen NL, 1995; ISBN: 9070656655).
Joy Dawson, Intimate Friendship with God - Through understanding the fear of the Lord, Fleming H. Revell, Old Tappan NJ, USA, 1986.
Ruard Ganzevoort, Mag ik er zijn? - over genade en veroordeling, Kok Voorhoeve, Kampen NL, 1990.
Nancy Groom, From bondage to bonding, escaping codependency, embracing Biblical love, Navpress, Colorado Springs, USA, 1991; (Dutch translation by Marionne L. Lufting-Heijna: Van moeten naar mogen - Herstel van relaties: van gebondenheid naar verbondenheid, Navigator Boeken, Driebergen NL, 2000).
Thomas A. Harris, I'm O.K. - You're O.K., Harper and Row, New York USA, 1967/1969 (Dutch translation: Ik ben o.k., jij bent o.k., Ambo, Baarn NL, 1973).
Jack Hayford, A passion for fullness, Word, USA, 1990.
Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child - the cry of the
heart for intimate belonging, NavPress, Colorado USA, 1994.
Manning shows that there are in fact two ways to react to our brokenness:
that of the impostor or pharisee that denies his vulnerability,
hiding it behind walls of seeming competence and power, and
that of the child that listens to the Rabbi's heartbeat to find peace
and a sense of belonging and acceptance. In the last attitude, we find
great dignity.
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel - embracing
the unconditional Love of God, Multnoma Books / Questar, Sisters Oregon
USA, 1990 / SP Trust - Alpha, Aylesbury Bucks GB, 1997.
Dignity in a ragamuffin identity - it sounds contradictory, just as
Paul's 'when I am weak, then I am strong', but it is just so great!
Tom Marshall, Healing from the inside out - understanding God’s touch for spirit, soul and body, Sovereign World, Chichester West Sussex GB / USA, 1988.
Tom Marshall, Free Indeed, Orama Christian Fellowship Trust, 1975/83 (Dutch translation by M.R. van Roosendaal, Gerrit Hoekstra, red.: Bevrijd om vrij te zijn - Volkomen herstel voor de hele mens, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1991).
Tom Marshall, Right Relationships - a Biblical foundation for making and mending relationships, Sovereign World Itnl, Chichester, GB, 1989.
Floyd McClung jr. with Geoff & Janet Benge, Discovering your destiny - How to know God’s will for your life, Marshall Pickering, Basingstoke Hants UK, 1988.
Bruce Narramore, You’re someone special, Zondervan, 1978; (Dutch translation by Simon van Vliet: De waarde van zelfrespect, Novapres, Laren NL, 1979).
Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer, Doubleday, New York USA, 1972. ISBN 0-385-14803-8.
Henri J.M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus - reflections on Christian leadership, Crossroad, New York USA, 198x. (Also translated by Margreet Stelling into Dutch: In de naam van Jezus - Over pastoraat in de toekomst, Oase - Lannoo, Tielt B, 1989.)
Henri Nouwen, The return of the prodigal son, ...., 19xx. (Available in Dutch as: Eindelijk thuis - gedachten bij Rembrandts 'De terugkeer vam de verloren zoon', Lannoo, Tielt, 2000; editing of the Dutch version by: Evert vdr Poll).
M. Scott Peck, The road less travelled - The new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth, Arrow books ltd, Random House, London GB, 1978.
Zac Poonen, Radiating His Glory, Kingsway, Eastbourne E.-Sussex GB, 1982.
Eugenia Price, The wider place, Zondervan, USA, 1966.
J. Oswald Sanders, Enjoying intimacy with God, Moody Press, Chicago USA, 1980.
David A. Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap -
Letting Go of the Need to Achive (earlier editions titled:
Healing Grace), Victor Books, SP Publications, USA, 1988
(Dutch translation: Genezende Genade - bevrijding van
prestatiedwang, SP Publications, Colorado Springs USA /
Shalom Books, Putten NL, 1991/1998). info: Shalombooks@wxs.nl)
Like Lewis Smedes, David Seamands shows how grace is the best
antidote to our feelings of shame and unworthyness.
Those feelings are a hard taskmaster: we always should do still some better.
Grace lifts that burden from us.
Most instrumental I consider his notion that the false self becomes
more obsessed with a more unreal goal as the true self becomes more
hidden under it.
This says that a relaxation of too high goals can sometimes help
in uncovering the true self.
As a result, our focus can shift from an unhealthy form of introspection
to looking up to God.
He affirms our being and leads us further towards healthy living.
Lewis B. Smedes, Shame and Grace - healing the
shame we don't deserve, HarperSanFrancisco, Zondervan / HarperCollins,
USA, 1993.
Comment: I like the way Lewis Smedes makes a distinction between
healthy forms of shame and non-healthy ones.
And how he discerns the ways in which others (e.g. our parents, when we
were little) can shame us, but also the ways in which we can too easily
shame ourselves.
Many people feel and actually are disconnected as a result of shame.
But Lewis Smedes also traces the origins of shame back to a fear
of rejection or abandonment,
and he introduces the vital concept of grace as antidote to this
kind of toxic shame: “the experience of being accepted is the
beginning of healing for the feeling of being unacceptable.
Being accepted is the single most compelling need of our lives;...”
(p.107).
If we accept that we are loved by God out of His grace - no matter what
(cf. Rom.8), then we more easily come to a healthy form of self-acceptance
that defies shame.
We may not be (nor feel) deserving, says Smedes, but we are worthy of
the grace that saves.
Then, we still may have to terms with our shamers.
This, too, is treated carefully by Smedes.
His concluding chapters on living lightly and the return of
joy are indeed inspiring to lightness and a joyful life.
Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace awakening, Word, USA, 1990 (Dutch translation by Loes van Tuyl: Genade is een risico, Gideon, Hoornaar NL, 1993).
Anna A.A. Terruwe, Give Me Your Hand - About Affirmation, Key to Human Happiness, Croydon, Victoria, Spectrum Publications, 1973 (translation, by Martin Van Buuren, of: Geef mij je hand - over bevestiging, sleutel van menselijk geluk, in Dutch, De Tijdstroom, Lochem NL, 1972).
Paul Tournier, Le personnage et la personne, Delachaux et Niestlé, Neuchâtel F, 1954; (English version: The meaning of persons; Dutch translation by Frans den Tex: Ons masker en wij, W. ten Have, Amsterdam NL, 1956).
Paul Tournier, L'aventure de la vie, Delachaux & Niestlé, Neuchâtel / Paris, 1965; (English translation by Edwin Hudson: The adventure of living, SCM Press, London, 1966).
John Townsend, Hiding from Love (We all long to be cared for, but we prevent it by -) - How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate and imprison you, NavPress, USA, 1991 / Scripture Press, Amersham-on-the-Hill Bucks England, 1992.
Teo van der Weele, From Shame to Peace - Counselling and caring for the sexually abused, Monarch, Crowborough GB, 1995.
Sandra D. Wilson, Released from shame - Recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families, (ACDF's), People Helper Books series (Gary R. Collins, ed.), IVP, Downers Grove Ill USA, 1990.
Sandra D. Wilson, Shame-free parenting - Are you trying to love your children a lot when you don't like yourself even a little?, IVP, Downers Grove Ill USA, 1992.
Ingrid Trobish, The Hidden Strength - Rooted in the Security of God's Love, Here's Life, San Bernardino, 1988.
Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy, Health Communications, Deerfield Beach Florida USA, 1985.
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For more information, or your reaction to the above, you can contact me via e-mail: andre.roosma@12accede.nl.
